So it Goes

     As you probably guessed from my last post, my anxiety has been in a heightened state today and now it's gotten the better of me.  It all started out with ice cream.  I still have some cotton candy ice cream left over from my birthday party that I've been trying to finish off and I decided that it would be better if I had a cone for it.  There's a convenience store near where Brian and I live and Brian offered to walk over and buy me an ice cream.
     Coca-Cola has their song lyrics promotion going on and I'm trying to find a bottle of Diet Coke with the lyrics from Dirty Dancing.  It's one of my goals for the summer.  I decided I'd follow Brian over and check the cooler at the store to see if they had any bottles with the lyrics I want.  However, by the time Brian's ready to leave, I'm not feeling so well.  It's already hot in the house, but it feel like the temperature has spiked about ten degrees.  My gut's feeling heavy.  As Brian and I reach the street the store is on, I start feeling nauseated.
     We get to the store and I decide that I can't go inside.  Maybe I would have felt differently had we brought the car, but some part of me is like, what if I go in there and I get sick?  Then I'll have to walk all the way home sick and what if I can't walk that far?  I think about turning around and walking home by myself, but I wait outside while Brian goes in and gets the waffle cones.
     Brian comes out five minutes later with the cones.  He had forgotten where the soda cooler was, so he hadn't been able to check that for me.  As soon as he and I start making our journey home, I feel a lot better physically.  Inside, I feel like I've let myself down.  I'm fine now.  Why couldn't I have walked into the store and made my way over to the soda cooler?  It would have taken me hardly any time at all.  In all likelihood, I would have been fine.
     We get home.  Brian fixes me an ice cream cone.  I ask him to take a picture of me with my ice cream so I'll have a photo to go with this blog post.  He obliges.  I eat my ice cream while writing this post.  I still feel bad about not going inside the store.  Anxiety sucks.

And then Came the Rain

     Oh, the irony!  Of course, after yesterday's post, something had to go wrong, right?  Now, I have always been a worrier.  If something seems wrong with me, I'm on Web MD, steeling myself for the worst.  On Saturday I noticed that there was something off about me.  I knew in my rational mind that it was probably nothing, but I became hyper aware of my body, taking note of every sensation I felt.  That night when I tried to sleep, it took forever for me to get there, in part because I kept thinking there was something wrong with me.
     Then yesterday came.  I was still worried on and off, but it didn't really interfere with my activities. In fact, I hadn't even made the connection with my anxiety because I generally only associate that with traveling.  I was not anymore anxious than usual for my trip to Joann, nor for the picnic Brian and I had in the park.  Brian and I had a lovely time at Webster, although we did not spend that much time there since the park was a bit crowded and we could not find a nice spot along the river to sit at by ourselves.

Me with my veggie sandwich.

Flower selfie.

A shell we found in the river.

We found this tree and had been hoping to sit on it and look out at the river, but it proved to be too slippery . . .

so we took pictures on it instead.

     Brian and I came home.  We took a stroll through the nearby gardens.  I was a little worried, but only marginally so.  And then.
     I'm not sure when it happened exactly.  I started fixating on my body.  I was convinced there was something wrong with me, something I would have to see a doctor for, which I can't afford because I'm uninsured.  Sometimes, when something's going wrong and I feel like I'm losing control over things, I start laughing uncontrollably.  I feel overwhelmed by emotions and at some point I start feeling like I'm going to erupt into tears at any moment.  That happened.  I managed not to cry, but it was not a fun time.
     Brian tried talking me through it.  He and I ended up catching up on John Oliver and playing cards to keep me from thinking too much about what I thought was going on.  I did some coloring before bed and managed to fall asleep all right.
     I got up today, anxious for the SCOTUS ruling in Whole Woman's Health v. Hellerstedt.  I laid out the framework for the article I would be writing on the subject.  Yet, even with everything else on my mind, it still found its way back to my body, to the idea that there was something wrong with me.  I had another laugh attack as Brian tried to talk me through things.  I hopped on the computer and headed to the SCOTUS blog to await the ruling.  I wrote my article.  I went on a walk through the gardens with Brian.
     As I write this post, I feel tension in my body.  I'm clenching muscles without even realizing it, and I can't seem to relax them.  I'm pretty sure there isn't anything wrong with me, that it's either in my head or that my anxiety is making it a reality, but there's that little part of me, the part that I'm not necessarily even conscious of all the time, that believes otherwise.
     I'm going to go and try to work on the novel I'm revising for a little while.  I'm going to post this article without editing it because I don't want to look at it again, to think about this issue anymore.  Thinking just makes it worse.  That's where I'm at.

Until next time,

Amber

Burger King in the Park

     A few weeks back, Brian and I made a bet about how much something had cost and Brian lost, so he had to buy me dinner.  I'm trying to get some of my Halloween crafting done over the summer and needed to go to Dollar Tree to pick up some supplies, so I decided that for my meal out I wanted to take a trip to Dollar Tree and then stop in at the nearby Burger King.  I had originally intended to wait until later in the summer, to use it as one of my weekly trips out, but I was getting antsy to get started on my Halloween crafting, so when Brian asked me when I wanted to go, I suggested Saturday.
     It seems like these days every time I get into the car, I second guess myself.  I start to wonder whether I really need to go to this place or that, whether it's really worth feeling a little unwell to accomplish whatever it is I have to get done.  I wish I could get to a place again where I could take a trip without thinking about it.  Like, it's good that I'm getting out of the house and I'm glad that my anxiety level has been pretty low this week, but I wish I could get into the car and go places without thinking twice about it.
     Anyway, Brian and I went down to Dollar Tree and spent some time browsing.  I got what I needed and then he and I went through the Burger King drive thru.  The drive thru can sometimes up my anxiety levels because I'm kind of stuck, waiting for my food, not being able to see what's going on, but our food came pretty quickly, so I didn't get that anxious.
     Brian and I decided that since it was such a nice day, we might as well bring our food to Webster instead of eating inside.  We had a picnic and then strolled along the riverbank.  There are these two big rocks in the river right by the shore.  Brian and I sat out on them for a while, taking in the breeze and watching a nearby school of fish swim about.  It was nice.

Me with my BK Veggie Burger.

Rock selfie.

School of fish.

     Last night I worked on my latest craft, a stone angel for my Halloween cemetery.  I didn't have all of the supplies I needed, so Brian took me to Joann this morning to get some spray paint.  The ride was a little rocky for me at first, but I managed.  I'm really glad I have this blog because I think it gives me more of an incentive to push through small bouts of anxiety.  I haven't had a full on panic attack at all during the time I've had this blog, so who knows whether it's really that helpful.  I suppose only time will tell.
     At any rate, I got my spray paint and finished my angel.  It didn't work out perfectly, but I think she looks much better post makeover.  If you're wondering how I made it, you'll have to wait and see it on my craft blog in September :).

Doll and doll dress from Dollar Tree.

My stone angel.  She'll look perfect in my Halloween cemetery :).

     I also feel kind of bad writing this blog as I am because nothing has gone seriously wrong.  I don't want it to, of course, but I feel kind of like I'm bragging, which I don't mean to be.  Like oh hey, I have anxiety, but really, it's not so bad; look at all of the things I'm doing.  But I'm not pushing myself that much.  I've gotten into a routine of leaving the house to go to the park or to go to Bangor, but there is so much that is outside my comfort level that I'm ignoring because I don't have to do it.  The thought of traveling as far south as Portland is enough to raise my heart rate and forget about out of state trips.  When I heard my sis-in-law was getting engaged, I was happy for her, but the thought that the wedding will probably be outside of Maine and that I'll be wanted and expected there scares the wits out of me.  So I'm doing little things, and these little things are exhausting at times, but it's really the big things I'm avoiding that are what would send me into a tailspin.  I'm hoping that all of these little "victories" will help prepare me for the bigger things, but who knows.

     So yes, I am pleased with myself for having these successes, and I want to show them off to be like "see, I did a thing and it was maybe a little hard at times, but I got through it."  I guess that's kind of bragging, although I don't mean it to be.  I might be more concerned if I expected people to read this, but so far I'm my entire audience.

     Anyway, have a good night!

The Carnival and Beyond

     This week turned out to be a busy one.  Although visiting the Old Town Carnival was my main objective at the outset, it wasn't the biggest trip Brian and I made.  For the most part, my anxiety has been pretty low this week.  It tends to set in worse when I spend prolonged periods of time at home, so maybe the fact that we've made four trips outside of Orono since Monday helped.
     On Monday, Brian and I headed over to his mom's house to spend some time with his little sister and her fiance before they left for their new home in North Carolina.  We spent a couple of hours there and then headed over to Target to look for a new swimsuit for me.  I'm trying to find ways to keep myself excited about the prospective Portland trip so that I don't end up chickening out and a new swimsuit seemed like a good incentive.  However, we had no luck there.  Bra tops are en vogue this year, and unfortunately those don't run small enough for me.
     Monday night we got a call from my mom letting us know that my grammie was in the hospital.  It wasn't anything too serious, at least not as far as I'm aware, but hospitals are no fun to be at, so we spent some time on Tuesday and Wednesday visiting with her, before she was discharged.
     On Tuesday after our visit with grammie, Brian and I headed to a few more stores for swimsuits, but no luck.  Tuesday night I found one at Forever 21's online store that looked perfect.  It has sequins.  They don't carry extra small swimwear, so I had to order a small.  Fingers crossed that it fits.
     The Old Town Carnival arrived on Thursday.  Brian and I had been planning on going on Friday, but we started discussing the possibility of going on Thursday instead.  I wasn't feeling too hot (my period tends to throw off my GI tract) and wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to give it a go, but I ended up not having to make the decision because my brother stopped by for a visit.  Adam and I started talking about pancakes and Brian said that all this talk of pancakes made him want to make some.  Adam said he'd eat some and I said I'd have a smaller one, since Brian and I had already had dinner about an hour prior.



     After Adam finished his pancake, he asked for another.  I was starting to get full, but Brian makes delicious pancakes, so I told him that if he made me a very small pancake, I'd eat it.  This is what he came up with:

     A few minutes later, Brian called me over to show me the even tinier pancakes he had made.  Naturally I had to eat one of those as well.

Pancakes of various sizes.

One of Brian's teeny pancakes, pre-toppings.  This one was about the size of a quarter.

     Anyway, enough about pancakes.  Friday rolls around and it's carnival day.  Neither Brian nor I are really into carnivals, but sometimes it can be nice to step outside your comfort zone and try something new.  However, some combination of the hot temperatures, overindulging in pancakes, and my usual GI tract maladies has left me feeling worse than I had on Thursday.  Not awful, like I'm sure most people would be perfectly fine functioning under the level of sickness I was experiencing, but I'm a baby when it comes to stomach/GI tract issues.  I didn't really want to go to the carnival anymore.  I might not have gone at all, but I had mentioned my plan in this blog and I was going to have to report back to you all one way or the other, so I took the chance and went.
     When I'm dealing with anxiety, I like to break whatever task I'm trying to accomplish into a series of smaller steps.  That way it makes the task less intimidating and even if I can't get through the whole thing, I can tell myself that at least I achieved this step or that step.  My goals for the carnival were first to get a bag of cotton candy and then to get a photo of me with said cotton candy near the carnival.  That was what I had to do to consider the trip a success.
     The first hurdle that came up was parking.  Brian suggests parking at Rite Aid, which he estimates is about a five minute walk from the park where the carnival is being held.  At that moment, five minutes seemed too long and I asked if we could try parking closer.  We left pre-wristband time to try to beat the rush and we managed to snag a spot right in front of the carnival.
     Brian and I stepped out of the car and immediately saw the cotton candy booth.  We decided to walk around the carnival to see what there was before getting the food.  The one ride I had wanted to do was bumper cars.  I used to go to Santa's Village with my family when I was a kid and that was one of my favorite rides.  However, as Brian and I approached, the thought of being shut into a ride and not being able to get out killed its appeal.  There was also the factor of the cost.  I did some quick mental math and realized that it would be more than $12 for Brian and me to do bumper cars once.  That seemed rather excessive for what would be maybe a five minute ride.  I'd like to believe that it was the cost that influenced me not to do it more than my anxiety, but I really can't say for sure.
     Brian and I finished our walk around and, after getting yelled at by half a dozen carnival workers trying to convince us to play their games, we made it back to the cotton candy booth.  We each got a bag of cotton candy, so step one accomplished.  We wandered outside the carnival.  Now I needed a picture with my food.



     We had spent maybe a grand total of five minutes inside the carnival, so it seemed like a waste to just go home.  Brian suggested walking around Old Town.  I didn't want to travel too far from the car, but figured a short stroll might be nice.  We were right beside the Penobscot River and I suggested walking over to get a closer look.  We sat down at a bench for a cotton candy break and looked out at the river.  The river level was really low, so when we finished our snacking, we were able to walk down onto a dried up portion of the riverbank.

Looking out at the river.

A view of the carnival from the riverbed.

     I decided to look to see if I could find clam/mussel shells, like I had done at Webster.  I found tons of shell fragments along the riverbed and there were even more shells in the water.  Brian and I spent a bit of time looking out at the river and searching for intact shells.  It may not have been a carnival, but we had a good time anyway.

Shells in the river.

Riverbed selfie.

Picnics in the Park

     Since my anxiety revolves around getting sick away from home, and since Brian and I have some free time this summer, I've decided to challenge myself to get out of the house once a week to do an activity with him.  Last week we decided on a picnic in the park, which turned into multiple picnics in the park.
     We live about five or so minutes away from Webster Park, a nice little place in downtown Orono beside the Penobscot River.  It's an optimal place for picnicking and since we eat early, we usually get in and out before the park becomes crowded.  Brian and I like to eat first and then stroll along the riverbank, investigating the local wildlife.  We took a trip to the park back in May and I discovered that there were clams living in the river.  For some reason, I was taken aback by that realization and now every time we go to the park, I try to find some clams or clam shells,
     I wanted to have the picnic as early in the week as possible.  Brian and I were planning on dinner with his family on Saturday and hosting my dad's Father's Day dinner on Sunday.  By having the picnic early on, if my meal did not agree with me, I'd have plenty of time to recuperate before the weekend.
     The weather was not as cooperative as I would have liked; it was rainy and cold Monday and Tuesday.  Wednesday was supposed to be sunny and 73 degrees.  It was bright out most of the day, but the moment Brian and I stepped outside to head off on our picnic, storm clouds swooped in, blotting out the sky.  It looked like it could rain at any minute.  We were talking about the possibility of rescheduling as we walked to the mailbox and Brian asked me if I wanted to.  I said no, I wanted to try it now because I'd been excited all day for the picnic.  That was true, but I was also worried that if I waited any longer, I wouldn't feel comfortable indulging in nachos or I'd mess up my GI tract so that the weekend would become a disaster.  We drove down to Circle K, bought Subway, nachos, and a Polar Pop, and then headed to Webster, all without rain.
     During the entire trip, the time when my anxiety was worst was as I was getting my nachos.  I love nachos, but they're a heavy food and I get worried that I'll get sick if I eat them.  I walked over to the nacho area and suddenly the building became ten degrees hotter.  I stood there wavering, trying to weigh whether the nachos were worth the risk while simultaneously trying to stave off a panic attack.  I didn't want to look like I was being shady, so I eventually grabbed one of the nacho containers.  I spent a minute or so pretending to struggle with opening the package as I made my choice.  I got my nachos.
     It can be hard to explain anxiety in a way that makes it comprehensible to people who have never experienced it.  Sometimes it sounds so trivial.  I was worried for a few seconds about getting nachos?  But even if it's just a few seconds, they can stretch out for eons.  I got lucky this time around.  I didn't panic.  However, there have been times where I have been waiting in line at Joann or something equally simple seeming when I start feeling like I'm trapped and I have to leave at that instant or else.  It's like someone has flipped somewhere inside me and all of a sudden my brain is flooded with the idea that I'm sick and I'm trapped while my GI tract and the rest of my body collude with my brain, making me feel icky.
     Anyway, the park was empty when Brian and I arrived, so it didn't feel like I was eating in public, another thing I struggle with.  We had our subs and a few nachos.  My tummy was mostly fine.  We got up and explored the park.  I had not been able to get a picture of the teeny freshwater clams I had seen along the riverbank the last time we were there and wanted to find them again to get a picture of them.  They were harder to locate than I expected, but I found them and got my picture.

Me with my nachos.

A large clam shell I spotted on the riverbank

Brian looking handsome <3.

Little clam shell.

     The following day, Brian suggested that we take the remaining halves of our sandwiches over to the park.  We stopped at Circle K and I got my Polar Pop.  Brian offered to get me more nachos, but even though I'd been fine with them the previous day, I thought two days in a row might be pushing my luck.  I thought about getting salt and vinegar or cheddar sour cream chips, but ended up getting Harvest Cheddar Sunchips instead because they seemed most likely to agree with me.
     We went to Webster.  There were people there, but they weren't near our table.  We had our food and explored a little.  It was good.

Me trying to give Brian bunny ears.

     On Friday I wanted sandwiches for dinner, so Brian suggested yet another picnic.  Since we packed our food this time, it was a quick trip over to the park.  When we got there, I saw some people who looked familiar and realized it was probably my friend Rachel and her family.  I hadn't been feeling anxious before, but that was when it kicked in.  She hadn't seen us yet and Brian suggested we finish our sandwiches and then head down to say hi.  I didn't like the thought of eating food and then talking to people, but my logical brain knew that I would be fine, so that's what we did.  I thought about getting my SeaBands from the car before heading down (they're sort of like a security blanket for me) and brought the chips to the car so I could collect myself for a minute before heading to see them.  It was rough walking down the hill to them, but once we all got talking, I was fine.  After they left, Brian and I roamed around the park some more and I saw some large clams in the river.  I didn't have a camera with me, so pics had to wait for another trip.
     Today is Tuesday.  Brian and I had another picnic in the park with home packed sandwiches.  I ate a few more chips than I should have, to the point where I was slightly uncomfortable but not out and out sick.  I'm trying to get more comfortable with being away from home when I'm feeling a little off and so far I've done all right with that.  Brian and I strolled around and I managed to get a few pictures of bigger clam shells in the water, although the river was moving too rapidly for most of the shots to come out well.

Me and my meal.  Tofurky Hickory Smoked Deli Slices make for an excellent sandwich.

This time I succeeded at giving Brian bunny ears!

Part of a big clam shell.  This was the best picture I got of one.  The others were all deeper in the water and the surface ripples made it hard to get a good shot.  I've found that taking pictures helps ease my anxiety because it gives me something else to worry about.  If I'm laser focused on getting a picture of my clam shells, it's hard to feel anxious :).

     This week Brian and I are planning on going to the Old Town Carnival for our activity.  If all goes well with these little trips, I'm hoping to take a trip down to Portland to see my sister before the end of summer.  Wish me luck!

Until next time,
Amber

Introduction: Why Am I Doing This?

     Hi, I'm Amber.  I'm a Physics PhD student with an MA in Mathematics, horror writer, crafter, campus activist, and amateur genealogist from the great state of Maine.  Also, I have anxiety.
     I have been dealing with anxiety on and off for at least a couple of years.  I first realized I was coping with it during the summer of 2014 when I had to get my wisdom teeth removed.  One of my impacted teeth had developed an infection and my dentist prescribed me antibiotics, which made me feel a little sick to my stomach.  Something about having to go to the appointments with my oral surgeon while not feeling well activated my anxiety like never before.  I would sit there in the waiting room sweating buckets, my heart hammering away a mile a minute as my stomach churned like a washing machine, wanting to flee to the safety of the car and feeling trapped and helpless because I couldn't.  These appointments cost money.  I could not back out, not now.  I made it through the oral surgery, but in the wake of that I began feeling terrible any time I left the house.
     The Fourth of July came and I tried to back out of my family's annual gathering while my partner Brian and I were en route.  We could not get cell reception to call them and let them know that we wouldn't be there, so we ended up finishing out the trip.  We chatted with my family members, but Brian and I were there for no more than twenty minutes before I decided that I had to go.  I started feeling better on the trip home and hated myself for leaving because it's not every day that most of my family comes together like that.
     I also rode along with my partner to several of his family gatherings, only to decide as we neared his mom's or grandma's house that I could not do it.  He had to go in and tell his family that I wasn't feeling well, drive me home, and then head back to the event himself.  I felt like an awful person for missing out on seeing his family and even worse for taking away from the time he could spend with them.
     During the weeks surrounding the wisdom tooth debacle, I had no idea why I was sick all the time.  I realized that I was dealing with anxiety and not just stomach malaise on the way to Joann one day.  We were stopping there before visiting with Brian's family and as we got close to the store I started feeling sick.  I realized then that my sickness correlated with my arrival at wherever I needed to be and that was when it clicked for me.  Realizing this didn't immediately make things better for me, but at least I understood then what was going on with me and it gave me the ability to start developing strategies to fight it.  I had already figured out that listening to books on tape helped me because they distracted me from feeling sick; now I knew that distractions could actually alleviate my sickness.
     Dealing with anxiety is kind of like being Sisyphus pushing that boulder.  I'll be chugging along, thinking I'm finally making progress, when BOOM! anxiety strikes like a bolt of lighting and I'm back to struggling to get through routine activities.  My anxiety thrives off of the idea of being sick when I'm away from home and not being able to get back home.  Sometimes, if I'm feeling good, I can make local trips and think nothing of it.  However, I have mild gastrointestinal issues that crop up periodically, so it does not take long for me to go from feeling fine to feeling sick.  Then anxiety is on me in a flash and I'm struggling to do basic things like go to class.
     It takes me ten minutes to walk to the physics building from home.  It isn't a long distance, but when my anxiety is on high alert, much shorter distances can stretch out for miles upon miles.  There were times this past semester where I had to have Brian drive me to my class and promise to wait five minutes before leaving the parking lot so that if I needed to get out fast and get home I could.  Lecture is usually enough to keep me distracted, at least somewhat, but those moments between when I arrived and when class began were torturous.
     Holiday gatherings can be a disaster because of the amount of travel time.  This Easter I was in tears, begging to turn around even though I knew it was going to be the last year of my family's Easter egg hunt, one of my favorite traditions.  Somehow we got through and I had fun, but it was hard.
     I've accepted a teaching assistanceship for this upcoming fall and the thought petrifies me because I know it's going to be a million times worse (I haven't been formally employed since I earned my Masters in May of 2014).  As a student, I can miss a class and it's not the end of the world, but if I'm teaching, I can only cancel class or find a replacement instructor so many times.  My dream is to become a full time writer so that I can work from the comfort of home and not have to confront this issue every. damn. day.
     Anyway, for the past couple of years I've told no one aside from Brian about what I'm going through.  Earlier this summer I reached the tipping point.  My social media presence was all happiness and smiles (with some political rants mixed in for good measure) and no one could see how awful I was really feeling.  I either had to quit social media, or be honest about what was going on with me, and I chose the latter.  After one frustrating tussle with anxiety, I wrote the following Facebook post about my struggles:

I want to tell you about two different days, today and yesterday. Yesterday was a good day. Brian and I headed to Bangor to visit his mom and grandma and went to a couple of stores. I felt fine and was only anxious for a moment here or there. He and I took a stroll through the gardens. The smile in this picture here [see below] is of course posed, but I was happy. Then today anxiety hit me like an eighteen wheeler. Brian and I were going 10 minutes down the road to pick up my mom. Maybe I would have been okay if it wasn't for all that plant matter that had fallen onto the car that Brian had to brush off. As I was sitting alone in the car, waiting for him to finish, I started thinking, "What if the car breaks down? What if it breaks down and I get sick and there's no way to get back home immediately?" Soon I started feeling sick and by the time we were about halfway through the drive, it was getting pretty intense. I was feeling hot and sweaty and my stomach wasn't doing well at all. I decided then that it wasn't worth it and asked Brian to turn the car around. Immediately I started feeling better. It would have been 10 extra minutes, 5 more down to pick up my mom and then 5 more added onto the trip back home, but today that was too much. Anxiety had plagued me for the last half of the semester, making each morning a fight against myself to get to class, but I managed perfect attendance. I made it to two of my friends' thesis defenses as well as to the graduation parties. I hadn't been able to sign up for any tabling throughout the semester because the thought of being stuck at a table and not able to go home was too much, but that was a minor issue. But suddenly this little trip overwhelmed me. I could have done it. I could have pushed through the sickness and it would have sucked and maybe I wouldn't have had the appetite for lunch. Today being able to eat Brian's fresh bread and to feel well for mom's visit mattered more than beating my anxiety. I don't know if there's a point to what I'm saying other than anxiety sucks and some days out of the blue it hits me full force and the energy it takes to cope with it is overwhelming and I just can't.

     It was really cathartic for me to write this post and the outpouring of support I received from my friends and family was incredible and meant the world to me.  I felt like I was finally able to show my true self and it was wonderful knowing that people still accepted me and cared about me.  But Facebook isn't always the best forum for talking about anxiety.  I can't caption every smiling photo of me with info about how terrible I was feeling because that would get really depressing, but I need a space where I can talk about my struggles.  That is where this blog comes in.  It's a place for me to let it all out, what I'm thinking, what I'm going through.  Ideally, I'd get better and not need a space to talk about my issues, but I know the odds are that won't happen, at least not completely, so until then I'll be here.
     I know this was a long post and that it's not a nice, linear narrative.  I promise they won't always be like this.  Thank you for sticking with me, for taking the time to listen to my struggles.  If you are struggling too and need someone to talk to, write me in the comments or message me at hathaway.amber@gmail.com.  I have no training in counseling or psychology, so I can't help with that side of things, but if you need to vent I'm here.

Take care everyone!  Until next time,

Amber