We live about five or so minutes away from Webster Park, a nice little place in downtown Orono beside the Penobscot River. It's an optimal place for picnicking and since we eat early, we usually get in and out before the park becomes crowded. Brian and I like to eat first and then stroll along the riverbank, investigating the local wildlife. We took a trip to the park back in May and I discovered that there were clams living in the river. For some reason, I was taken aback by that realization and now every time we go to the park, I try to find some clams or clam shells,
I wanted to have the picnic as early in the week as possible. Brian and I were planning on dinner with his family on Saturday and hosting my dad's Father's Day dinner on Sunday. By having the picnic early on, if my meal did not agree with me, I'd have plenty of time to recuperate before the weekend.
The weather was not as cooperative as I would have liked; it was rainy and cold Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday was supposed to be sunny and 73 degrees. It was bright out most of the day, but the moment Brian and I stepped outside to head off on our picnic, storm clouds swooped in, blotting out the sky. It looked like it could rain at any minute. We were talking about the possibility of rescheduling as we walked to the mailbox and Brian asked me if I wanted to. I said no, I wanted to try it now because I'd been excited all day for the picnic. That was true, but I was also worried that if I waited any longer, I wouldn't feel comfortable indulging in nachos or I'd mess up my GI tract so that the weekend would become a disaster. We drove down to Circle K, bought Subway, nachos, and a Polar Pop, and then headed to Webster, all without rain.
During the entire trip, the time when my anxiety was worst was as I was getting my nachos. I love nachos, but they're a heavy food and I get worried that I'll get sick if I eat them. I walked over to the nacho area and suddenly the building became ten degrees hotter. I stood there wavering, trying to weigh whether the nachos were worth the risk while simultaneously trying to stave off a panic attack. I didn't want to look like I was being shady, so I eventually grabbed one of the nacho containers. I spent a minute or so pretending to struggle with opening the package as I made my choice. I got my nachos.
It can be hard to explain anxiety in a way that makes it comprehensible to people who have never experienced it. Sometimes it sounds so trivial. I was worried for a few seconds about getting nachos? But even if it's just a few seconds, they can stretch out for eons. I got lucky this time around. I didn't panic. However, there have been times where I have been waiting in line at Joann or something equally simple seeming when I start feeling like I'm trapped and I have to leave at that instant or else. It's like someone has flipped somewhere inside me and all of a sudden my brain is flooded with the idea that I'm sick and I'm trapped while my GI tract and the rest of my body collude with my brain, making me feel icky.
Anyway, the park was empty when Brian and I arrived, so it didn't feel like I was eating in public, another thing I struggle with. We had our subs and a few nachos. My tummy was mostly fine. We got up and explored the park. I had not been able to get a picture of the teeny freshwater clams I had seen along the riverbank the last time we were there and wanted to find them again to get a picture of them. They were harder to locate than I expected, but I found them and got my picture.
Me with my nachos.
A large clam shell I spotted on the riverbank
Brian looking handsome <3.
Little clam shell.
The following day, Brian suggested that we take the remaining halves of our sandwiches over to the park. We stopped at Circle K and I got my Polar Pop. Brian offered to get me more nachos, but even though I'd been fine with them the previous day, I thought two days in a row might be pushing my luck. I thought about getting salt and vinegar or cheddar sour cream chips, but ended up getting Harvest Cheddar Sunchips instead because they seemed most likely to agree with me.
We went to Webster. There were people there, but they weren't near our table. We had our food and explored a little. It was good.
Me trying to give Brian bunny ears.
On Friday I wanted sandwiches for dinner, so Brian suggested yet another picnic. Since we packed our food this time, it was a quick trip over to the park. When we got there, I saw some people who looked familiar and realized it was probably my friend Rachel and her family. I hadn't been feeling anxious before, but that was when it kicked in. She hadn't seen us yet and Brian suggested we finish our sandwiches and then head down to say hi. I didn't like the thought of eating food and then talking to people, but my logical brain knew that I would be fine, so that's what we did. I thought about getting my SeaBands from the car before heading down (they're sort of like a security blanket for me) and brought the chips to the car so I could collect myself for a minute before heading to see them. It was rough walking down the hill to them, but once we all got talking, I was fine. After they left, Brian and I roamed around the park some more and I saw some large clams in the river. I didn't have a camera with me, so pics had to wait for another trip.
Today is Tuesday. Brian and I had another picnic in the park with home packed sandwiches. I ate a few more chips than I should have, to the point where I was slightly uncomfortable but not out and out sick. I'm trying to get more comfortable with being away from home when I'm feeling a little off and so far I've done all right with that. Brian and I strolled around and I managed to get a few pictures of bigger clam shells in the water, although the river was moving too rapidly for most of the shots to come out well.
Me and my meal. Tofurky Hickory Smoked Deli Slices make for an excellent sandwich.
This time I succeeded at giving Brian bunny ears!
Part of a big clam shell. This was the best picture I got of one. The others were all deeper in the water and the surface ripples made it hard to get a good shot. I've found that taking pictures helps ease my anxiety because it gives me something else to worry about. If I'm laser focused on getting a picture of my clam shells, it's hard to feel anxious :).
This week Brian and I are planning on going to the Old Town Carnival for our activity. If all goes well with these little trips, I'm hoping to take a trip down to Portland to see my sister before the end of summer. Wish me luck!
Until next time,
Amber
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