And then Came the Rain

     Oh, the irony!  Of course, after yesterday's post, something had to go wrong, right?  Now, I have always been a worrier.  If something seems wrong with me, I'm on Web MD, steeling myself for the worst.  On Saturday I noticed that there was something off about me.  I knew in my rational mind that it was probably nothing, but I became hyper aware of my body, taking note of every sensation I felt.  That night when I tried to sleep, it took forever for me to get there, in part because I kept thinking there was something wrong with me.
     Then yesterday came.  I was still worried on and off, but it didn't really interfere with my activities. In fact, I hadn't even made the connection with my anxiety because I generally only associate that with traveling.  I was not anymore anxious than usual for my trip to Joann, nor for the picnic Brian and I had in the park.  Brian and I had a lovely time at Webster, although we did not spend that much time there since the park was a bit crowded and we could not find a nice spot along the river to sit at by ourselves.

Me with my veggie sandwich.

Flower selfie.

A shell we found in the river.

We found this tree and had been hoping to sit on it and look out at the river, but it proved to be too slippery . . .

so we took pictures on it instead.

     Brian and I came home.  We took a stroll through the nearby gardens.  I was a little worried, but only marginally so.  And then.
     I'm not sure when it happened exactly.  I started fixating on my body.  I was convinced there was something wrong with me, something I would have to see a doctor for, which I can't afford because I'm uninsured.  Sometimes, when something's going wrong and I feel like I'm losing control over things, I start laughing uncontrollably.  I feel overwhelmed by emotions and at some point I start feeling like I'm going to erupt into tears at any moment.  That happened.  I managed not to cry, but it was not a fun time.
     Brian tried talking me through it.  He and I ended up catching up on John Oliver and playing cards to keep me from thinking too much about what I thought was going on.  I did some coloring before bed and managed to fall asleep all right.
     I got up today, anxious for the SCOTUS ruling in Whole Woman's Health v. Hellerstedt.  I laid out the framework for the article I would be writing on the subject.  Yet, even with everything else on my mind, it still found its way back to my body, to the idea that there was something wrong with me.  I had another laugh attack as Brian tried to talk me through things.  I hopped on the computer and headed to the SCOTUS blog to await the ruling.  I wrote my article.  I went on a walk through the gardens with Brian.
     As I write this post, I feel tension in my body.  I'm clenching muscles without even realizing it, and I can't seem to relax them.  I'm pretty sure there isn't anything wrong with me, that it's either in my head or that my anxiety is making it a reality, but there's that little part of me, the part that I'm not necessarily even conscious of all the time, that believes otherwise.
     I'm going to go and try to work on the novel I'm revising for a little while.  I'm going to post this article without editing it because I don't want to look at it again, to think about this issue anymore.  Thinking just makes it worse.  That's where I'm at.

Until next time,

Amber