It's been a while since I last wrote in here. That's because I was doing fine. I started off the semester with hardly a hitch. I did ask Brian to drive me in a couple of mornings early on, but soon I was walking to and from school on my own regularly. I was making it to every recitation and lab I had to teach, each class I was taking, and all of my various meetings. I was eating during that two hour gap I had between recitation and lab. I had fries during the hour break during comps and made it through the second part of the exam just fine. I was snacking at gatherings with friends and colleagues. It was all going so well. My therapist seems pleased with my progress. It's starting to look like we might not have to meet for a while, although I schedule another appointment just in case.
Then today happened. I don't know what triggered it exactly. Maybe it's just that my fascination with Pokemon has dwindled, so I wasn't able to distract myself like I have in the past. I was feeling just a tiny bit off, a little gassy, but otherwise fine. I was supposed to help proctor an exam. I made it into campus before my anxiety started causing trouble. Maybe I was a little worse off than I realized. Okay, well there's a bathroom on the first floor of Neville. I went in and sat in a stall and calmed down. I was going to be fine.
The time was starting to tick down. I left and started walking toward Bennett. There was a women's restroom on the second floor. I would just go grab the grading rubric from my mailbox and then go to the bathroom. No, I was going to go to the bathroom first. I'd worry about the rubric later.
I get up there, I get into one of the stalls, and I'm not doing so well at all. I'm hot and sweaty and my GI tract is not happy. I start shaking. I feel like I'm about to cry. I'm sure that if I walk down to that classroom, I'm going to lose it completely. So I text the professor I'm TAing for and ask him if he can find someone to cover for me. There are three minutes before I'm supposed to be there. I feel like a garbage human being.
The professor texts me back to let me know that they've got it covered. I go home. I sit down at my desk. I have a ton of responsibilities, like the meeting I'm supposed to be at at 1 to discuss next week's recitations. I decide I'm not going. I'm still in rough shape and I really need to pull things together before 4 so that I can run lab. I've got a paper to write, papers to grade (which I can't grade now because I never picked up the rubric). But the only thing I can do right now is write in here. I have to get it out. Maybe by putting it down on paper, I can keep it from consuming me.
I hate anxiety so much. What should have been an easy task, something well within my control, became and impossibility and I flaked out last minute. Maybe I should have tried anyway. I told myself, walking between Neville and Bennett, that the worst thing that could happen was I'd have an anxiety attack in the classroom. I thought it like it was no big deal. But when I was in that bathroom stall, it seemed like the worst thing in the world. I wanted nothing more than to be back at home, where I'd be safe. I had made so much progress, but now I was back to square one. Now I have to wonder, can I make it through lab? Am I going to have to revert back to Brian driving me everywhere, to eating nothing between obligations, reduced once again to the shadow of the person I should be?
I know that this will pass. I know that, in time, I'll get back to the way I was yesterday, but I also know that I'll relapse again and again and again. It's always there, waiting, looking for a way in. Today it found one. I just hope that I can get through lab, because I don't know what I'll do if I can't. (Note: I wanted to end with, "I hope that I'll survive," as an allusion to System of a Down's Lonely Day, but I didn't want to give folks the wrong idea.)
Thursday, September 22, 2016
Friday, August 26, 2016
Beginning Semester Woes
Yesterday I had my final meeting with my counselor at the Counseling Center. I was feeling pretty good. I had been able to walk into campus on my own several times to replenish my Pokeball stash and take over some gyms. I experienced barely any anxiety before my meeting and by the time it was over, I was on cloud nine. I felt like maybe finally things were falling into place. Maybe I would make it through the semester without the sort of issues I'd faced the previous semester.
I spent my evening playing Pokemon GO at the Waterfront. Brian and I left almost immediately after we'd finished dinner, something I'll rarely do. I stayed out for a couple of hours chasing Pokemon and had a blast. I even convinced Brian to pull over when I spotted a Charmander on my radar on our drive down and I was able to catch it. That was the first wild Charmander I'd seen and catching it was one of the highlights of my day.
Fast forward to this morning. I had two meetings, one for recitation TAs and one for lab TAs (I'm doing both this semester). I didn't even really feel like I was giving them much thought, but soon after climbing out of bed I realized my GI tract was not doing too well. It was like last semester all over again, exactly what I had been dreading.
It wasn't as bad as it has been on my worst days, but it was not fun either. But I pulled through. Brian drove me to campus. Many of the roads were blocked off for incoming students, so I ended up having to walk part of the way, but I didn't feel too wonky. I arrived just as the meeting was about to begin, so my mind didn't have a lot of time to work itself up. By the end I felt hungry and tired, but otherwise mostly okay.
I had my first meeting with an external counselor (as in, not affiliated with school) this afternoon. Between begging my phone to grant me the Pokemon I saw on my radar and navigating my way to a new location, I kept myself pretty well occupied, so I was feeling mostly all right. I'm really hoping that through working with a professional instead of going it alone I'll be able to get my anxiety under control. I can't stand feeling sick whenever I have to leave my house, squaring off against my mind most every morning. Ugh, anxiety sucks!
I spent my evening playing Pokemon GO at the Waterfront. Brian and I left almost immediately after we'd finished dinner, something I'll rarely do. I stayed out for a couple of hours chasing Pokemon and had a blast. I even convinced Brian to pull over when I spotted a Charmander on my radar on our drive down and I was able to catch it. That was the first wild Charmander I'd seen and catching it was one of the highlights of my day.
Fast forward to this morning. I had two meetings, one for recitation TAs and one for lab TAs (I'm doing both this semester). I didn't even really feel like I was giving them much thought, but soon after climbing out of bed I realized my GI tract was not doing too well. It was like last semester all over again, exactly what I had been dreading.
It wasn't as bad as it has been on my worst days, but it was not fun either. But I pulled through. Brian drove me to campus. Many of the roads were blocked off for incoming students, so I ended up having to walk part of the way, but I didn't feel too wonky. I arrived just as the meeting was about to begin, so my mind didn't have a lot of time to work itself up. By the end I felt hungry and tired, but otherwise mostly okay.
I had my first meeting with an external counselor (as in, not affiliated with school) this afternoon. Between begging my phone to grant me the Pokemon I saw on my radar and navigating my way to a new location, I kept myself pretty well occupied, so I was feeling mostly all right. I'm really hoping that through working with a professional instead of going it alone I'll be able to get my anxiety under control. I can't stand feeling sick whenever I have to leave my house, squaring off against my mind most every morning. Ugh, anxiety sucks!
Friday, August 19, 2016
Making a Call to a Stranger
One of the worst things about anxiety, for me anyway, is that the things I need to do to get help for my anxiety only further my anxiety. Leaving the house to meet with a counselor makes me anxious. Emailing strangers, going through all of their possible responses in my head makes me anxious. Talking to strangers on the phone makes me even more anxious. There is no winning.
Let me back up a bit. On Tuesday I had a follow up meeting with the counselor I spoke to at the Counseling Center last week. We'll call her Jane. Due to high demand, the Counseling Center cannot offer weekly counseling sessions, so she had, at our earlier session, referred me to an external counselor, whom we'll call Dr. Smith, but unfortunately Dr. Smith did not have an availability that would work with my schedule. Dr. Smith gave me a list of names for other counselors.
I brought the list of names to Jane and she recommended an individual we'll call Dr. Jones. I had been lucky to find an email address for Dr. Smith, so I had been able to contact her via email rather than by having to give her a phone call. However, for Dr. Jones, I could only find a phone number. I hate making phone calls to strangers. The mere thought of doing so makes me feel physically ill.
I procrastinated on calling Dr. Jones. I told myself that since I'd had such a late appointment on Tuesday, I could hold off until Wednesday to make the call. Wednesday rolls around and I send the email off to disability services to find out what steps I need to take to be potentially eligible for disability accommodations, should I need them. I decided to wait until I'd heard back from disability services so I would be able to tell Dr. Jones what disability services was looking for. There was some strategy there, but it also gave me an excuse not to deal with making that phone call.
On Thursday I received the info I needed from disability services. I should have made the phone call then, but I kept pushing it off, saying I'd do it after lunch or after I finished this or that part of my craft and so on. Next thing I know, the day's over.
It's really getting down to the wire now. School starts in just over a week and I have another follow up appointment with my counselor in six days. I wanted to ask Brian to make the phone call, like I do so often, but I knew I had to do it.
It probably took me about 10 minutes of agonizing before I finally pressed the button. My heart heart hammered as the phone rang. I was sweating and my GI tract was not pleased. It rang several times and then the answering machine came on. Answering machines are great! It was such a relief to hear that recording instead of having to interact with an actual human being. I bumbled my way through the message.
Even now, half an hour later, my anxiety hasn't calmed down completely. It's partly because I know that there's more to come, that one of these days Dr. Smith is going to call me back and I'm going to have to talk to her over the phone. But I made that initial call.
Let me back up a bit. On Tuesday I had a follow up meeting with the counselor I spoke to at the Counseling Center last week. We'll call her Jane. Due to high demand, the Counseling Center cannot offer weekly counseling sessions, so she had, at our earlier session, referred me to an external counselor, whom we'll call Dr. Smith, but unfortunately Dr. Smith did not have an availability that would work with my schedule. Dr. Smith gave me a list of names for other counselors.
I brought the list of names to Jane and she recommended an individual we'll call Dr. Jones. I had been lucky to find an email address for Dr. Smith, so I had been able to contact her via email rather than by having to give her a phone call. However, for Dr. Jones, I could only find a phone number. I hate making phone calls to strangers. The mere thought of doing so makes me feel physically ill.
I procrastinated on calling Dr. Jones. I told myself that since I'd had such a late appointment on Tuesday, I could hold off until Wednesday to make the call. Wednesday rolls around and I send the email off to disability services to find out what steps I need to take to be potentially eligible for disability accommodations, should I need them. I decided to wait until I'd heard back from disability services so I would be able to tell Dr. Jones what disability services was looking for. There was some strategy there, but it also gave me an excuse not to deal with making that phone call.
On Thursday I received the info I needed from disability services. I should have made the phone call then, but I kept pushing it off, saying I'd do it after lunch or after I finished this or that part of my craft and so on. Next thing I know, the day's over.
It's really getting down to the wire now. School starts in just over a week and I have another follow up appointment with my counselor in six days. I wanted to ask Brian to make the phone call, like I do so often, but I knew I had to do it.
It probably took me about 10 minutes of agonizing before I finally pressed the button. My heart heart hammered as the phone rang. I was sweating and my GI tract was not pleased. It rang several times and then the answering machine came on. Answering machines are great! It was such a relief to hear that recording instead of having to interact with an actual human being. I bumbled my way through the message.
Even now, half an hour later, my anxiety hasn't calmed down completely. It's partly because I know that there's more to come, that one of these days Dr. Smith is going to call me back and I'm going to have to talk to her over the phone. But I made that initial call.
Thursday, August 11, 2016
Seeking Help
Today I took, what I hope, is a major step forward. I went to the campus counseling center. It's something I've thought about many times before, but I could never bring myself to do it. Yesterday proved to be the tipping point.
Yesterday I received an email from my department containing my schedule for the upcoming semester. I had known that I would probably be teaching in person sections (although I had been hoping for a grading appointment), but seeing the four separate sections written out on paper hit me hard. Those were four times when I would have to be on campus, no matter what. As my anxiety weighed on me, I told myself I was going to make an appointment at the counseling center the following day.
Today I looked at the counseling center's hours and decided to go in around 1. It took me some time to steel myself, but I did. Brian drove me and accompanied me inside. We headed to the front desk and I told the woman that I wanted to make an appointment. She asked if I was taking summer classes and I said I wasn't. She informed me that they generally are only able to see students who are taking summer classes. That was when the water works began. One second I was okay and then out of nowhere I was in tears. I really hate how they can spring up out of nowhere and there's nothing I can do to stop them, but maybe this time it was a good thing. I guess that made my case seem urgent because I was able to talk to a counselor.
After filling out a ton of paperwork, I talked to a very nice woman who discussed my situation with me and helped me plan what to do next. Right now I'm feeling pretty good, like I'm being proactive, like actually have some control over my situation, like maybe I'll be able to make it through this semester after all. It's a good feeling.
Yesterday I received an email from my department containing my schedule for the upcoming semester. I had known that I would probably be teaching in person sections (although I had been hoping for a grading appointment), but seeing the four separate sections written out on paper hit me hard. Those were four times when I would have to be on campus, no matter what. As my anxiety weighed on me, I told myself I was going to make an appointment at the counseling center the following day.
Today I looked at the counseling center's hours and decided to go in around 1. It took me some time to steel myself, but I did. Brian drove me and accompanied me inside. We headed to the front desk and I told the woman that I wanted to make an appointment. She asked if I was taking summer classes and I said I wasn't. She informed me that they generally are only able to see students who are taking summer classes. That was when the water works began. One second I was okay and then out of nowhere I was in tears. I really hate how they can spring up out of nowhere and there's nothing I can do to stop them, but maybe this time it was a good thing. I guess that made my case seem urgent because I was able to talk to a counselor.
After filling out a ton of paperwork, I talked to a very nice woman who discussed my situation with me and helped me plan what to do next. Right now I'm feeling pretty good, like I'm being proactive, like actually have some control over my situation, like maybe I'll be able to make it through this semester after all. It's a good feeling.
Monday, August 8, 2016
Anxiety is Hell
There's a quote from Stephen King's Storm of the Century that has stuck with me since my first time watching it and that is, "Hell is repetition." The mysterious newcomer to the small Maine island community, Andre Linoge, says this as he explains the grim afterlife fate of one of the town's sinners. I haven't seen the movie in years, so I can't say for sure, but I think the man's eternal punishment involved having his eyeballs ripped out and consumed over again and again and again.
Storm of the Century is, of course, a movie, but King's description of Hell seems to me an apt one. It describes anxiety perfectly. Anxiety is Hell.
I made this connection the other day when I was in the car. I don't remember which trip it was because I've been on quite a number over the past few days, but I was thinking about how the start of each car trip was the same. It didn't matter that I'd made it through so many trips already that week or even that day; my anxiety still reared its ugly head, making me aware of every sensation in my GI tract, assuring me that those discomforts were a sign that I was going to be sick.
I wish anxiety was more like a video game battle. You might have to fight a bunch of times before you get through the boss, but once you do, that's it. You've defeated it. You don't have to battle it again. Sometimes it does work like that a little bit, wherein if I work through my anxiety enough times, it starts to lessen. But there are other times, such as now, when no matter what I do, it doesn't lessen. These past few days have been a real struggle for me.
It probably wouldn't have been so bad were it not for the doctor's visit, which sent my anxiety into high alert, and the antibiotics, which aren't agreeing perfectly with me. But it happened as it did and now I'm miserable. Each time I've wanted to leave the house, whether to visit family, hunt Pokemon, or pick out some groceries, it has required copious amounts of dedication and fortitude and has left me feeling worn out.
Each day Brian and I will try capturing a couple of nearby Pokemon Gyms so I can get my defender bonus. Yesterday when we arrived, there was a swarm of kids working on those gyms. No way were the two of us going to be able to take on the five or so of them. Brian suggested going home and coming back later. The suggestion was frustrating for me. Here I had worked through my anxiety enough to make the trip. If we left, I'd have gone through that effort for naught and I'd have to wrestle with that manipulative copilot all over again if we did return. I might not have liked the suggestion anyway, even without anxiety, but anxiety made the situation worse.
Today some members of Brian's family were having a lunch get together at Happy China Buffet. When it came time to leave the house, I weighed my options. I could have gone, but I had a feeling that it was going to be one of those trips where my anxiety kept building and when we were halfway to the restaurant I'd break down and beg Brian to take me home. The thought of being in the restaurant was making me feel trapped and I didn't think that was going to lessen any time soon.
When I told Brian I wasn't going, he told me that it was all right, that I didn't have to go if I didn't want to. He was trying to be reassuring in a way, I think, but it only made me feel worse. It wasn't that I didn't want to go. Were it not for anxiety, I'd have been there in a heartbeat. I'd love to chase some Pokemon on the drive down and then munch on some spring rolls while chatting with his family. His family is great and I would have been happy to see them again. What I didn't want was the stomach malaise and those awful thoughts swirling through my head, making me second guess myself, everything. I'm already exhausted from disjointed bouts of slumber and two days of nonstop battling with my anxiety. I needed a break.
When Brian left, I was on the verge of tears. I felt like such an awful person for skipping out on the family get together. That's the thing about mental illness; because you are not necessarily physically incapacitated, you end up feeling like a bad person when you make the choice that is best for your overall well being in that moment. Since the problem is in your brain and not the work of some external agent, you feel like you should be able to control it. I feel like I'm causing that gastrointestinal unrest, like it's all my fault, but I didn't choose to have anxiety. It is just as much of an illness as those caused by bacteria and viruses are and we as a society need to recognize this.
The semester begins in three weeks and the thought terrifies me. I should be feeling those end of summer blues, but instead I'm wondering if there's some way I can give up my assistanceship. If we didn't need the money, I probably would consider this more seriously, but for now it's only a passing thought. The idea that I'm going to have to be physically present X days a week is enough to make me want to give up on the PhD entirely, but I've worked so hard to get here and I don't have a backup plan.
Anxiety is Hell. Rarely do I have a good day when it's not there to rain on part of it, like the drive to Bangor or Winterport, and I've had many bad days because of it. I wish I could make it go away, but I can't.
Storm of the Century is, of course, a movie, but King's description of Hell seems to me an apt one. It describes anxiety perfectly. Anxiety is Hell.
I made this connection the other day when I was in the car. I don't remember which trip it was because I've been on quite a number over the past few days, but I was thinking about how the start of each car trip was the same. It didn't matter that I'd made it through so many trips already that week or even that day; my anxiety still reared its ugly head, making me aware of every sensation in my GI tract, assuring me that those discomforts were a sign that I was going to be sick.
I wish anxiety was more like a video game battle. You might have to fight a bunch of times before you get through the boss, but once you do, that's it. You've defeated it. You don't have to battle it again. Sometimes it does work like that a little bit, wherein if I work through my anxiety enough times, it starts to lessen. But there are other times, such as now, when no matter what I do, it doesn't lessen. These past few days have been a real struggle for me.
It probably wouldn't have been so bad were it not for the doctor's visit, which sent my anxiety into high alert, and the antibiotics, which aren't agreeing perfectly with me. But it happened as it did and now I'm miserable. Each time I've wanted to leave the house, whether to visit family, hunt Pokemon, or pick out some groceries, it has required copious amounts of dedication and fortitude and has left me feeling worn out.
Each day Brian and I will try capturing a couple of nearby Pokemon Gyms so I can get my defender bonus. Yesterday when we arrived, there was a swarm of kids working on those gyms. No way were the two of us going to be able to take on the five or so of them. Brian suggested going home and coming back later. The suggestion was frustrating for me. Here I had worked through my anxiety enough to make the trip. If we left, I'd have gone through that effort for naught and I'd have to wrestle with that manipulative copilot all over again if we did return. I might not have liked the suggestion anyway, even without anxiety, but anxiety made the situation worse.
Today some members of Brian's family were having a lunch get together at Happy China Buffet. When it came time to leave the house, I weighed my options. I could have gone, but I had a feeling that it was going to be one of those trips where my anxiety kept building and when we were halfway to the restaurant I'd break down and beg Brian to take me home. The thought of being in the restaurant was making me feel trapped and I didn't think that was going to lessen any time soon.
When I told Brian I wasn't going, he told me that it was all right, that I didn't have to go if I didn't want to. He was trying to be reassuring in a way, I think, but it only made me feel worse. It wasn't that I didn't want to go. Were it not for anxiety, I'd have been there in a heartbeat. I'd love to chase some Pokemon on the drive down and then munch on some spring rolls while chatting with his family. His family is great and I would have been happy to see them again. What I didn't want was the stomach malaise and those awful thoughts swirling through my head, making me second guess myself, everything. I'm already exhausted from disjointed bouts of slumber and two days of nonstop battling with my anxiety. I needed a break.
When Brian left, I was on the verge of tears. I felt like such an awful person for skipping out on the family get together. That's the thing about mental illness; because you are not necessarily physically incapacitated, you end up feeling like a bad person when you make the choice that is best for your overall well being in that moment. Since the problem is in your brain and not the work of some external agent, you feel like you should be able to control it. I feel like I'm causing that gastrointestinal unrest, like it's all my fault, but I didn't choose to have anxiety. It is just as much of an illness as those caused by bacteria and viruses are and we as a society need to recognize this.
The semester begins in three weeks and the thought terrifies me. I should be feeling those end of summer blues, but instead I'm wondering if there's some way I can give up my assistanceship. If we didn't need the money, I probably would consider this more seriously, but for now it's only a passing thought. The idea that I'm going to have to be physically present X days a week is enough to make me want to give up on the PhD entirely, but I've worked so hard to get here and I don't have a backup plan.
Anxiety is Hell. Rarely do I have a good day when it's not there to rain on part of it, like the drive to Bangor or Winterport, and I've had many bad days because of it. I wish I could make it go away, but I can't.
Friday, August 5, 2016
The Doctor's Appointment
Today is going to be torture, and I'll be lucky if I make it through everything I intend to. I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for an hour from now and my anxiety is through the roof. The thought of having to be in that particular location at that particular time, having to stay there for some indefinite amount of time, is really getting to me. My gut isn't doing so well (Pepto Bismol usually helps with this aspect) and I'm shaking. Brian is away at a medical appointment of his own, so I'm all alone, It's awful.
Once my appointment's through, Brian and I are expected at his grandma's birthday party. His aunts and uncles from out of state are coming up for this. It should be a good time, but my anxiety is already starting to wear on me. Anxiety, for me, can be physically draining and the longer it goes on for, the greater a toll it takes on me. I don't know if I'll have the energy once this is through. Ugh, anxiety sure does suck!
Update: well, I was right that it was going to be a long, tiring day, but I got through a lot of stuff. The doctor's appointment was the worst of it, I was feeling miserable, or, as I phrased it to Brian, worse than death on the trip down. We pulled into the parking lot and I wanted to go home. I didn't think I was going to make it through. There was this granite block thing near the entryway to the health center and I sat there for a few, trying to pull myself together.
Luckily, few people had appointments today, so the doctor was able to see me almost immediately. During the time in which I was waiting, I read some of a Dave Barry book aloud to Brian to quell my anxiety. That seemed to do the trick pretty well. I was feeling a lot better by the time it was all over.
After that, Brian drove me down to the Bangor Waterfront for some Pokemon hunting. There weren't many monsters hanging around when we first got there, but then some people dropped some lures and monsters started popping up in the area. My fave catch of the day was probably the Jynx which I thought ran away on me but which I later found among my Pokemon. I also found a Poliwhirl, some Gastlys, a Magikarp, a Tauros, a Psyduck, and a couple of Goldeens, among others. Not super rare monsters or anything, but I had a good time.
Brian and I then headed over to his grandma's house for her birthday celebration. He and I arrived just in time for lunch. I wasn't sure if I was going to be up to eating after my rough start to the morning, but I did manage a little snacking. I wanted to eat more of the chips and dip, but the dip was sour cream intensive and I didn't want to push it.
We sat around talking with his family for a couple of hours before we decided to head up to Rite Aid to pick up my antibiotics. So that was yet another trip, but I made it through. Later in the afternoon, Brian and I drove around campus to collect more Pokeballs and get our daily defender bonus. I hadn't been feeling so great when we set out, although not nearly as sick as I had felt that morning, but by the time I got through the gym battles I was doing all right.
Then it was dinnertime. Brian and I have been eating seasoned rice meals for dinner the past few nights, but we didn't have any left, so we'd need to run to Hannaford for some more. I decided to challenge myself one last time and accompany Brian to Hannaford. I was a little off at the outset, but I made it through. So it was a long day, stressful and miserable at times, but I feel accomplished.
Once my appointment's through, Brian and I are expected at his grandma's birthday party. His aunts and uncles from out of state are coming up for this. It should be a good time, but my anxiety is already starting to wear on me. Anxiety, for me, can be physically draining and the longer it goes on for, the greater a toll it takes on me. I don't know if I'll have the energy once this is through. Ugh, anxiety sure does suck!
Update: well, I was right that it was going to be a long, tiring day, but I got through a lot of stuff. The doctor's appointment was the worst of it, I was feeling miserable, or, as I phrased it to Brian, worse than death on the trip down. We pulled into the parking lot and I wanted to go home. I didn't think I was going to make it through. There was this granite block thing near the entryway to the health center and I sat there for a few, trying to pull myself together.
Luckily, few people had appointments today, so the doctor was able to see me almost immediately. During the time in which I was waiting, I read some of a Dave Barry book aloud to Brian to quell my anxiety. That seemed to do the trick pretty well. I was feeling a lot better by the time it was all over.
After that, Brian drove me down to the Bangor Waterfront for some Pokemon hunting. There weren't many monsters hanging around when we first got there, but then some people dropped some lures and monsters started popping up in the area. My fave catch of the day was probably the Jynx which I thought ran away on me but which I later found among my Pokemon. I also found a Poliwhirl, some Gastlys, a Magikarp, a Tauros, a Psyduck, and a couple of Goldeens, among others. Not super rare monsters or anything, but I had a good time.
Brian and I then headed over to his grandma's house for her birthday celebration. He and I arrived just in time for lunch. I wasn't sure if I was going to be up to eating after my rough start to the morning, but I did manage a little snacking. I wanted to eat more of the chips and dip, but the dip was sour cream intensive and I didn't want to push it.
We sat around talking with his family for a couple of hours before we decided to head up to Rite Aid to pick up my antibiotics. So that was yet another trip, but I made it through. Later in the afternoon, Brian and I drove around campus to collect more Pokeballs and get our daily defender bonus. I hadn't been feeling so great when we set out, although not nearly as sick as I had felt that morning, but by the time I got through the gym battles I was doing all right.
Then it was dinnertime. Brian and I have been eating seasoned rice meals for dinner the past few nights, but we didn't have any left, so we'd need to run to Hannaford for some more. I decided to challenge myself one last time and accompany Brian to Hannaford. I was a little off at the outset, but I made it through. So it was a long day, stressful and miserable at times, but I feel accomplished.
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
Pokefest Bangor
My body has not been cooperating with me lately, which has put a damper on my summer plans. I won't be going to Portland. I doubt I would have anyway, even if I had been feeling well, but the whole getting sick thing threw a major wrench into my plans.
On Saturday, July 23rd I had been hoping to go to the Orrington town wide yard sale and then head to a Pokemon hunting event in Bucksport. The whole time I'd be only 40 or so minutes away from home, a significant distance, no doubt, but nothing more intensive than a Winterport trip and being away from home for an extended period of time would be good practice for a trip to Portland the following weekend. Well, sometime during the week leading up to the 23rd, I realized I had another infection.
The infection was still in full swing as the weekend arrived. Brian and I managed a short trip into Bangor on Saturday to visit his family and I pushed my grand plan off until Sunday. Sunday comes and I'm still not well, so I decided that skipping out on the trip would be the best course of action. I also decide that I will not be going to Portland the following weekend, but there's a Pokemon festival happening in Bangor on Sunday that might be fun to attend.
I haven't been getting the rest that I need and as Monday rolls around I realize that I'm only getting worse, so for the next few days I stick mostly to home, reading, listening to books on tape, watching Netflix, and the like. By the time the weekend arrives, I'm doing a lot better, although I'm not 100%.
Sunday arrives and I have to choose whether or not to go to Pokefest. I'm nervous and I try couching my anxiety in concern about setbacks in my progress if I go. However, with the tracking system diasabled and Pokevision no longer operational, this sort of event is the only thing that'll make Pokemon hunting feasible for those of us not living in big cities. I decide to give it a go, assuring myself that I can go home anytime I'd like. I'm glad I did.
Brian and I get to Pokefest and the first monster I spot is a Jynx. I tell Brian that even if we don't see another cool monster, the trip is now officially worth it because I got a Jynx. Well, the lures bring out two more Jynxes, plus tons of water Pokemon and a handful of Gastlys. Plus I run into my little buddy Meowth. Brian and I end up spending two hours there, chasing one Pokemon after another. I would have stayed longer, but figure spending two hours running around out in the sun with no fluid intake is probably enough wear and tear for my body for one day. I had a blast, and I'm so glad I went.
On the way home, I see a Meowth pop up on my radar. With the tracking system broken as it is, I'm sure there's no way I'll find it, but then I see something pop up on the side of the road. The Meowth! I manage to click on it and take a few AR pictures of it before I catch it. Yes, it was a grand day for catching Pokemon.
On Saturday, July 23rd I had been hoping to go to the Orrington town wide yard sale and then head to a Pokemon hunting event in Bucksport. The whole time I'd be only 40 or so minutes away from home, a significant distance, no doubt, but nothing more intensive than a Winterport trip and being away from home for an extended period of time would be good practice for a trip to Portland the following weekend. Well, sometime during the week leading up to the 23rd, I realized I had another infection.
The infection was still in full swing as the weekend arrived. Brian and I managed a short trip into Bangor on Saturday to visit his family and I pushed my grand plan off until Sunday. Sunday comes and I'm still not well, so I decided that skipping out on the trip would be the best course of action. I also decide that I will not be going to Portland the following weekend, but there's a Pokemon festival happening in Bangor on Sunday that might be fun to attend.
I haven't been getting the rest that I need and as Monday rolls around I realize that I'm only getting worse, so for the next few days I stick mostly to home, reading, listening to books on tape, watching Netflix, and the like. By the time the weekend arrives, I'm doing a lot better, although I'm not 100%.
Sunday arrives and I have to choose whether or not to go to Pokefest. I'm nervous and I try couching my anxiety in concern about setbacks in my progress if I go. However, with the tracking system diasabled and Pokevision no longer operational, this sort of event is the only thing that'll make Pokemon hunting feasible for those of us not living in big cities. I decide to give it a go, assuring myself that I can go home anytime I'd like. I'm glad I did.
Brian and I get to Pokefest and the first monster I spot is a Jynx. I tell Brian that even if we don't see another cool monster, the trip is now officially worth it because I got a Jynx. Well, the lures bring out two more Jynxes, plus tons of water Pokemon and a handful of Gastlys. Plus I run into my little buddy Meowth. Brian and I end up spending two hours there, chasing one Pokemon after another. I would have stayed longer, but figure spending two hours running around out in the sun with no fluid intake is probably enough wear and tear for my body for one day. I had a blast, and I'm so glad I went.
Hanging out with Meowth at Pokefest.
Me with one of the Jynxes I found at Pokefest.
On the way home, I see a Meowth pop up on my radar. With the tracking system broken as it is, I'm sure there's no way I'll find it, but then I see something pop up on the side of the road. The Meowth! I manage to click on it and take a few AR pictures of it before I catch it. Yes, it was a grand day for catching Pokemon.
The Meowth I found while driving.
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
One Step Forward, One Step Back
Lately I have been playing a fair amount of Pokemon GO (or trying to play; with all of the bugs and server issues it's nigh impossible to play the game as it was intended). When the game is working correctly, it gives me a reason to get out of the house and helps alleviate my anxiety by giving me something to focus on. I've mostly been sticking to my neighborhood and campus for my hunts, but since Pokemon vary based on location, I've been trying to visit some other places as well.
On Monday I wanted to check out downtown Orono, so Brian suggested going to Pat's Pizza for dinner. I love Pat's, so I agreed, despite a nagging anxiety. Sit down restaurants are a little hard for me sometimes because while I'm waiting for my food, I can't really go anywhere. I feel trapped, and any time I feel trapped, that fans the flames of my anxiety. By the time we got down to Pat's, I didn't think I could make it through the meal.
As we were heading inside, we noticed that the clouds above had turned a dark, dark gray, like it was about to start pouring at any moment. We walked in and sat down at a bench. We were told that a server would be with us shortly, unless we wanted to order our food to go. Brian and I agreed that take out would be the best option, making some excuse about the weather, but really it was because of my anxiety.
Not long after we had placed out order, the storm began in earnest. Water poured down from the sky as thunder sounded in the distance, accompanied by an occasional flicker of lightning. As soon as the storm started, I became so intent on photographing it with my new phone's camera that I forgot to be anxious. The time it took to get our pizza passed quickly enough and soon we were back at home enjoying our dinner. The trip was a partial success. I may not have made it through a sit down restaurant dinner, but I did manage to make it through the wait to get our food.
On Monday I wanted to check out downtown Orono, so Brian suggested going to Pat's Pizza for dinner. I love Pat's, so I agreed, despite a nagging anxiety. Sit down restaurants are a little hard for me sometimes because while I'm waiting for my food, I can't really go anywhere. I feel trapped, and any time I feel trapped, that fans the flames of my anxiety. By the time we got down to Pat's, I didn't think I could make it through the meal.
As we were heading inside, we noticed that the clouds above had turned a dark, dark gray, like it was about to start pouring at any moment. We walked in and sat down at a bench. We were told that a server would be with us shortly, unless we wanted to order our food to go. Brian and I agreed that take out would be the best option, making some excuse about the weather, but really it was because of my anxiety.
Not long after we had placed out order, the storm began in earnest. Water poured down from the sky as thunder sounded in the distance, accompanied by an occasional flicker of lightning. As soon as the storm started, I became so intent on photographing it with my new phone's camera that I forgot to be anxious. The time it took to get our pizza passed quickly enough and soon we were back at home enjoying our dinner. The trip was a partial success. I may not have made it through a sit down restaurant dinner, but I did manage to make it through the wait to get our food.
The sky before the storm.
Selfie at Pat's.
The rain coming down.
Monday, July 11, 2016
A Car Trip
You may have noticed that I haven't written in a while. That's because I haven't been up to much. It turned out that I was right to be worried that something was wrong with me. I had a minor infection which hopefully I've almost shaken. I was feeling pretty miserable for a few days and spent a lot of time during the week of the 27th on Netflix, binge watching Scream: The TV Series and Murder, She Wrote. That weekend I was feeling a bit better and was able to work on revising my novel, made some silly 4th of July hats, and managed to go on several longer walks.
The Fourth of July went well. I was actually feeling pretty good and my anxiety levels were relatively low for the drive down. It was fun seeing many of my family members all together, including both of my siblings. We had a cookout, went on a walk to the old rickety bridge, and just hung around and talked for hours.
On Wednesday my little brother moved into his own apartment. He and his girlfriend have the most adorable little kitten, Beans. I saw this photo montage of animals with their toys when they were little and when they were all grown up and I thought it would be cute to get him a stuffed animal. On Friday, Brian had to go check up on his mom's cats and I wanted to tag along with him to stop in at a store to get a toy for Beans. However, I think my medicine wasn't agreeing so well with me because my stomach did not feel well.
I'm trying to commit myself fully to a trip before going, so if I don't think I'll be up for it, I just stay home. After giving it some thought, I told Brian that I was going to stay home. However, he ended up playing a video game for an hour, and by the time he was ready to go, I changed my mind. I realized that if I'm ever going to want to travel more than a few miles, such as to Portland, then I'm going to have to get used to riding around when I'm not feeling completely comfortable. It seemed unlikely that I would get sick in the car and so I went with him.
The trip down was a bit rocky at times, but when I was feeling off I talked to Brian about his story and sang along to the radio to keep my mind occupied. The most important part of the trip was feeding the cats because they're not able to feed themselves. I kept telling myself that if I was feeling miserable by the time we got down there, then it would take two minutes to feed the cats and then we could be on our way. By the time we got done tending to the cats, I was feeling pretty okay. We visited with Brian's grandma for a few and then headed over to pick out a stuffed animal.
Sometimes it just takes time to work through things. I'm glad Brian ended up waiting an hour and that I toughed it out. It's a balancing act, deciding whether the benefits are worth the effort and energy drain. I think it worked out all right this time, but that's not always the case.
The Fourth of July went well. I was actually feeling pretty good and my anxiety levels were relatively low for the drive down. It was fun seeing many of my family members all together, including both of my siblings. We had a cookout, went on a walk to the old rickety bridge, and just hung around and talked for hours.
Brian and me with the whimsical 4th hats I made.
On Wednesday my little brother moved into his own apartment. He and his girlfriend have the most adorable little kitten, Beans. I saw this photo montage of animals with their toys when they were little and when they were all grown up and I thought it would be cute to get him a stuffed animal. On Friday, Brian had to go check up on his mom's cats and I wanted to tag along with him to stop in at a store to get a toy for Beans. However, I think my medicine wasn't agreeing so well with me because my stomach did not feel well.
I'm trying to commit myself fully to a trip before going, so if I don't think I'll be up for it, I just stay home. After giving it some thought, I told Brian that I was going to stay home. However, he ended up playing a video game for an hour, and by the time he was ready to go, I changed my mind. I realized that if I'm ever going to want to travel more than a few miles, such as to Portland, then I'm going to have to get used to riding around when I'm not feeling completely comfortable. It seemed unlikely that I would get sick in the car and so I went with him.
The trip down was a bit rocky at times, but when I was feeling off I talked to Brian about his story and sang along to the radio to keep my mind occupied. The most important part of the trip was feeding the cats because they're not able to feed themselves. I kept telling myself that if I was feeling miserable by the time we got down there, then it would take two minutes to feed the cats and then we could be on our way. By the time we got done tending to the cats, I was feeling pretty okay. We visited with Brian's grandma for a few and then headed over to pick out a stuffed animal.
Sometimes it just takes time to work through things. I'm glad Brian ended up waiting an hour and that I toughed it out. It's a balancing act, deciding whether the benefits are worth the effort and energy drain. I think it worked out all right this time, but that's not always the case.
Beans with his new friend.
Monday, June 27, 2016
So it Goes
As you probably guessed from my last post, my anxiety has been in a heightened state today and now it's gotten the better of me. It all started out with ice cream. I still have some cotton candy ice cream left over from my birthday party that I've been trying to finish off and I decided that it would be better if I had a cone for it. There's a convenience store near where Brian and I live and Brian offered to walk over and buy me an ice cream.
Coca-Cola has their song lyrics promotion going on and I'm trying to find a bottle of Diet Coke with the lyrics from Dirty Dancing. It's one of my goals for the summer. I decided I'd follow Brian over and check the cooler at the store to see if they had any bottles with the lyrics I want. However, by the time Brian's ready to leave, I'm not feeling so well. It's already hot in the house, but it feel like the temperature has spiked about ten degrees. My gut's feeling heavy. As Brian and I reach the street the store is on, I start feeling nauseated.
We get to the store and I decide that I can't go inside. Maybe I would have felt differently had we brought the car, but some part of me is like, what if I go in there and I get sick? Then I'll have to walk all the way home sick and what if I can't walk that far? I think about turning around and walking home by myself, but I wait outside while Brian goes in and gets the waffle cones.
Brian comes out five minutes later with the cones. He had forgotten where the soda cooler was, so he hadn't been able to check that for me. As soon as he and I start making our journey home, I feel a lot better physically. Inside, I feel like I've let myself down. I'm fine now. Why couldn't I have walked into the store and made my way over to the soda cooler? It would have taken me hardly any time at all. In all likelihood, I would have been fine.
We get home. Brian fixes me an ice cream cone. I ask him to take a picture of me with my ice cream so I'll have a photo to go with this blog post. He obliges. I eat my ice cream while writing this post. I still feel bad about not going inside the store. Anxiety sucks.
Coca-Cola has their song lyrics promotion going on and I'm trying to find a bottle of Diet Coke with the lyrics from Dirty Dancing. It's one of my goals for the summer. I decided I'd follow Brian over and check the cooler at the store to see if they had any bottles with the lyrics I want. However, by the time Brian's ready to leave, I'm not feeling so well. It's already hot in the house, but it feel like the temperature has spiked about ten degrees. My gut's feeling heavy. As Brian and I reach the street the store is on, I start feeling nauseated.
We get to the store and I decide that I can't go inside. Maybe I would have felt differently had we brought the car, but some part of me is like, what if I go in there and I get sick? Then I'll have to walk all the way home sick and what if I can't walk that far? I think about turning around and walking home by myself, but I wait outside while Brian goes in and gets the waffle cones.
Brian comes out five minutes later with the cones. He had forgotten where the soda cooler was, so he hadn't been able to check that for me. As soon as he and I start making our journey home, I feel a lot better physically. Inside, I feel like I've let myself down. I'm fine now. Why couldn't I have walked into the store and made my way over to the soda cooler? It would have taken me hardly any time at all. In all likelihood, I would have been fine.
We get home. Brian fixes me an ice cream cone. I ask him to take a picture of me with my ice cream so I'll have a photo to go with this blog post. He obliges. I eat my ice cream while writing this post. I still feel bad about not going inside the store. Anxiety sucks.
And then Came the Rain
Oh, the irony! Of course, after yesterday's post, something had to go wrong, right? Now, I have always been a worrier. If something seems wrong with me, I'm on Web MD, steeling myself for the worst. On Saturday I noticed that there was something off about me. I knew in my rational mind that it was probably nothing, but I became hyper aware of my body, taking note of every sensation I felt. That night when I tried to sleep, it took forever for me to get there, in part because I kept thinking there was something wrong with me.
Then yesterday came. I was still worried on and off, but it didn't really interfere with my activities. In fact, I hadn't even made the connection with my anxiety because I generally only associate that with traveling. I was not anymore anxious than usual for my trip to Joann, nor for the picnic Brian and I had in the park. Brian and I had a lovely time at Webster, although we did not spend that much time there since the park was a bit crowded and we could not find a nice spot along the river to sit at by ourselves.
Brian and I came home. We took a stroll through the nearby gardens. I was a little worried, but only marginally so. And then.
I'm not sure when it happened exactly. I started fixating on my body. I was convinced there was something wrong with me, something I would have to see a doctor for, which I can't afford because I'm uninsured. Sometimes, when something's going wrong and I feel like I'm losing control over things, I start laughing uncontrollably. I feel overwhelmed by emotions and at some point I start feeling like I'm going to erupt into tears at any moment. That happened. I managed not to cry, but it was not a fun time.
Brian tried talking me through it. He and I ended up catching up on John Oliver and playing cards to keep me from thinking too much about what I thought was going on. I did some coloring before bed and managed to fall asleep all right.
I got up today, anxious for the SCOTUS ruling in Whole Woman's Health v. Hellerstedt. I laid out the framework for the article I would be writing on the subject. Yet, even with everything else on my mind, it still found its way back to my body, to the idea that there was something wrong with me. I had another laugh attack as Brian tried to talk me through things. I hopped on the computer and headed to the SCOTUS blog to await the ruling. I wrote my article. I went on a walk through the gardens with Brian.
As I write this post, I feel tension in my body. I'm clenching muscles without even realizing it, and I can't seem to relax them. I'm pretty sure there isn't anything wrong with me, that it's either in my head or that my anxiety is making it a reality, but there's that little part of me, the part that I'm not necessarily even conscious of all the time, that believes otherwise.
I'm going to go and try to work on the novel I'm revising for a little while. I'm going to post this article without editing it because I don't want to look at it again, to think about this issue anymore. Thinking just makes it worse. That's where I'm at.
Until next time,
Amber
Then yesterday came. I was still worried on and off, but it didn't really interfere with my activities. In fact, I hadn't even made the connection with my anxiety because I generally only associate that with traveling. I was not anymore anxious than usual for my trip to Joann, nor for the picnic Brian and I had in the park. Brian and I had a lovely time at Webster, although we did not spend that much time there since the park was a bit crowded and we could not find a nice spot along the river to sit at by ourselves.
Me with my veggie sandwich.
Flower selfie.
A shell we found in the river.
We found this tree and had been hoping to sit on it and look out at the river, but it proved to be too slippery . . .
so we took pictures on it instead.
Brian and I came home. We took a stroll through the nearby gardens. I was a little worried, but only marginally so. And then.
I'm not sure when it happened exactly. I started fixating on my body. I was convinced there was something wrong with me, something I would have to see a doctor for, which I can't afford because I'm uninsured. Sometimes, when something's going wrong and I feel like I'm losing control over things, I start laughing uncontrollably. I feel overwhelmed by emotions and at some point I start feeling like I'm going to erupt into tears at any moment. That happened. I managed not to cry, but it was not a fun time.
Brian tried talking me through it. He and I ended up catching up on John Oliver and playing cards to keep me from thinking too much about what I thought was going on. I did some coloring before bed and managed to fall asleep all right.
I got up today, anxious for the SCOTUS ruling in Whole Woman's Health v. Hellerstedt. I laid out the framework for the article I would be writing on the subject. Yet, even with everything else on my mind, it still found its way back to my body, to the idea that there was something wrong with me. I had another laugh attack as Brian tried to talk me through things. I hopped on the computer and headed to the SCOTUS blog to await the ruling. I wrote my article. I went on a walk through the gardens with Brian.
As I write this post, I feel tension in my body. I'm clenching muscles without even realizing it, and I can't seem to relax them. I'm pretty sure there isn't anything wrong with me, that it's either in my head or that my anxiety is making it a reality, but there's that little part of me, the part that I'm not necessarily even conscious of all the time, that believes otherwise.
I'm going to go and try to work on the novel I'm revising for a little while. I'm going to post this article without editing it because I don't want to look at it again, to think about this issue anymore. Thinking just makes it worse. That's where I'm at.
Until next time,
Amber
Sunday, June 26, 2016
Burger King in the Park
A few weeks back, Brian and I made a bet about how much something had cost and Brian lost, so he had to buy me dinner. I'm trying to get some of my Halloween crafting done over the summer and needed to go to Dollar Tree to pick up some supplies, so I decided that for my meal out I wanted to take a trip to Dollar Tree and then stop in at the nearby Burger King. I had originally intended to wait until later in the summer, to use it as one of my weekly trips out, but I was getting antsy to get started on my Halloween crafting, so when Brian asked me when I wanted to go, I suggested Saturday.
It seems like these days every time I get into the car, I second guess myself. I start to wonder whether I really need to go to this place or that, whether it's really worth feeling a little unwell to accomplish whatever it is I have to get done. I wish I could get to a place again where I could take a trip without thinking about it. Like, it's good that I'm getting out of the house and I'm glad that my anxiety level has been pretty low this week, but I wish I could get into the car and go places without thinking twice about it.
Anyway, Brian and I went down to Dollar Tree and spent some time browsing. I got what I needed and then he and I went through the Burger King drive thru. The drive thru can sometimes up my anxiety levels because I'm kind of stuck, waiting for my food, not being able to see what's going on, but our food came pretty quickly, so I didn't get that anxious.
Brian and I decided that since it was such a nice day, we might as well bring our food to Webster instead of eating inside. We had a picnic and then strolled along the riverbank. There are these two big rocks in the river right by the shore. Brian and I sat out on them for a while, taking in the breeze and watching a nearby school of fish swim about. It was nice.
Last night I worked on my latest craft, a stone angel for my Halloween cemetery. I didn't have all of the supplies I needed, so Brian took me to Joann this morning to get some spray paint. The ride was a little rocky for me at first, but I managed. I'm really glad I have this blog because I think it gives me more of an incentive to push through small bouts of anxiety. I haven't had a full on panic attack at all during the time I've had this blog, so who knows whether it's really that helpful. I suppose only time will tell.
At any rate, I got my spray paint and finished my angel. It didn't work out perfectly, but I think she looks much better post makeover. If you're wondering how I made it, you'll have to wait and see it on my craft blog in September :).
It seems like these days every time I get into the car, I second guess myself. I start to wonder whether I really need to go to this place or that, whether it's really worth feeling a little unwell to accomplish whatever it is I have to get done. I wish I could get to a place again where I could take a trip without thinking about it. Like, it's good that I'm getting out of the house and I'm glad that my anxiety level has been pretty low this week, but I wish I could get into the car and go places without thinking twice about it.
Anyway, Brian and I went down to Dollar Tree and spent some time browsing. I got what I needed and then he and I went through the Burger King drive thru. The drive thru can sometimes up my anxiety levels because I'm kind of stuck, waiting for my food, not being able to see what's going on, but our food came pretty quickly, so I didn't get that anxious.
Brian and I decided that since it was such a nice day, we might as well bring our food to Webster instead of eating inside. We had a picnic and then strolled along the riverbank. There are these two big rocks in the river right by the shore. Brian and I sat out on them for a while, taking in the breeze and watching a nearby school of fish swim about. It was nice.
Me with my BK Veggie Burger.
Rock selfie.
School of fish.
Last night I worked on my latest craft, a stone angel for my Halloween cemetery. I didn't have all of the supplies I needed, so Brian took me to Joann this morning to get some spray paint. The ride was a little rocky for me at first, but I managed. I'm really glad I have this blog because I think it gives me more of an incentive to push through small bouts of anxiety. I haven't had a full on panic attack at all during the time I've had this blog, so who knows whether it's really that helpful. I suppose only time will tell.
At any rate, I got my spray paint and finished my angel. It didn't work out perfectly, but I think she looks much better post makeover. If you're wondering how I made it, you'll have to wait and see it on my craft blog in September :).
Doll and doll dress from Dollar Tree.
My stone angel. She'll look perfect in my Halloween cemetery :).
I also feel kind of bad writing this blog as I am because nothing has gone seriously wrong. I don't want it to, of course, but I feel kind of like I'm bragging, which I don't mean to be. Like oh hey, I have anxiety, but really, it's not so bad; look at all of the things I'm doing. But I'm not pushing myself that much. I've gotten into a routine of leaving the house to go to the park or to go to Bangor, but there is so much that is outside my comfort level that I'm ignoring because I don't have to do it. The thought of traveling as far south as Portland is enough to raise my heart rate and forget about out of state trips. When I heard my sis-in-law was getting engaged, I was happy for her, but the thought that the wedding will probably be outside of Maine and that I'll be wanted and expected there scares the wits out of me. So I'm doing little things, and these little things are exhausting at times, but it's really the big things I'm avoiding that are what would send me into a tailspin. I'm hoping that all of these little "victories" will help prepare me for the bigger things, but who knows.
So yes, I am pleased with myself for having these successes, and I want to show them off to be like "see, I did a thing and it was maybe a little hard at times, but I got through it." I guess that's kind of bragging, although I don't mean it to be. I might be more concerned if I expected people to read this, but so far I'm my entire audience.
Anyway, have a good night!
Saturday, June 25, 2016
The Carnival and Beyond
This week turned out to be a busy one. Although visiting the Old Town Carnival was my main objective at the outset, it wasn't the biggest trip Brian and I made. For the most part, my anxiety has been pretty low this week. It tends to set in worse when I spend prolonged periods of time at home, so maybe the fact that we've made four trips outside of Orono since Monday helped.
On Monday, Brian and I headed over to his mom's house to spend some time with his little sister and her fiance before they left for their new home in North Carolina. We spent a couple of hours there and then headed over to Target to look for a new swimsuit for me. I'm trying to find ways to keep myself excited about the prospective Portland trip so that I don't end up chickening out and a new swimsuit seemed like a good incentive. However, we had no luck there. Bra tops are en vogue this year, and unfortunately those don't run small enough for me.
Monday night we got a call from my mom letting us know that my grammie was in the hospital. It wasn't anything too serious, at least not as far as I'm aware, but hospitals are no fun to be at, so we spent some time on Tuesday and Wednesday visiting with her, before she was discharged.
On Tuesday after our visit with grammie, Brian and I headed to a few more stores for swimsuits, but no luck. Tuesday night I found one at Forever 21's online store that looked perfect. It has sequins. They don't carry extra small swimwear, so I had to order a small. Fingers crossed that it fits.
The Old Town Carnival arrived on Thursday. Brian and I had been planning on going on Friday, but we started discussing the possibility of going on Thursday instead. I wasn't feeling too hot (my period tends to throw off my GI tract) and wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to give it a go, but I ended up not having to make the decision because my brother stopped by for a visit. Adam and I started talking about pancakes and Brian said that all this talk of pancakes made him want to make some. Adam said he'd eat some and I said I'd have a smaller one, since Brian and I had already had dinner about an hour prior.
After Adam finished his pancake, he asked for another. I was starting to get full, but Brian makes delicious pancakes, so I told him that if he made me a very small pancake, I'd eat it. This is what he came up with:
A few minutes later, Brian called me over to show me the even tinier pancakes he had made. Naturally I had to eat one of those as well.
Anyway, enough about pancakes. Friday rolls around and it's carnival day. Neither Brian nor I are really into carnivals, but sometimes it can be nice to step outside your comfort zone and try something new. However, some combination of the hot temperatures, overindulging in pancakes, and my usual GI tract maladies has left me feeling worse than I had on Thursday. Not awful, like I'm sure most people would be perfectly fine functioning under the level of sickness I was experiencing, but I'm a baby when it comes to stomach/GI tract issues. I didn't really want to go to the carnival anymore. I might not have gone at all, but I had mentioned my plan in this blog and I was going to have to report back to you all one way or the other, so I took the chance and went.
When I'm dealing with anxiety, I like to break whatever task I'm trying to accomplish into a series of smaller steps. That way it makes the task less intimidating and even if I can't get through the whole thing, I can tell myself that at least I achieved this step or that step. My goals for the carnival were first to get a bag of cotton candy and then to get a photo of me with said cotton candy near the carnival. That was what I had to do to consider the trip a success.
The first hurdle that came up was parking. Brian suggests parking at Rite Aid, which he estimates is about a five minute walk from the park where the carnival is being held. At that moment, five minutes seemed too long and I asked if we could try parking closer. We left pre-wristband time to try to beat the rush and we managed to snag a spot right in front of the carnival.
Brian and I stepped out of the car and immediately saw the cotton candy booth. We decided to walk around the carnival to see what there was before getting the food. The one ride I had wanted to do was bumper cars. I used to go to Santa's Village with my family when I was a kid and that was one of my favorite rides. However, as Brian and I approached, the thought of being shut into a ride and not being able to get out killed its appeal. There was also the factor of the cost. I did some quick mental math and realized that it would be more than $12 for Brian and me to do bumper cars once. That seemed rather excessive for what would be maybe a five minute ride. I'd like to believe that it was the cost that influenced me not to do it more than my anxiety, but I really can't say for sure.
Brian and I finished our walk around and, after getting yelled at by half a dozen carnival workers trying to convince us to play their games, we made it back to the cotton candy booth. We each got a bag of cotton candy, so step one accomplished. We wandered outside the carnival. Now I needed a picture with my food.
We had spent maybe a grand total of five minutes inside the carnival, so it seemed like a waste to just go home. Brian suggested walking around Old Town. I didn't want to travel too far from the car, but figured a short stroll might be nice. We were right beside the Penobscot River and I suggested walking over to get a closer look. We sat down at a bench for a cotton candy break and looked out at the river. The river level was really low, so when we finished our snacking, we were able to walk down onto a dried up portion of the riverbank.
I decided to look to see if I could find clam/mussel shells, like I had done at Webster. I found tons of shell fragments along the riverbed and there were even more shells in the water. Brian and I spent a bit of time looking out at the river and searching for intact shells. It may not have been a carnival, but we had a good time anyway.
On Monday, Brian and I headed over to his mom's house to spend some time with his little sister and her fiance before they left for their new home in North Carolina. We spent a couple of hours there and then headed over to Target to look for a new swimsuit for me. I'm trying to find ways to keep myself excited about the prospective Portland trip so that I don't end up chickening out and a new swimsuit seemed like a good incentive. However, we had no luck there. Bra tops are en vogue this year, and unfortunately those don't run small enough for me.
Monday night we got a call from my mom letting us know that my grammie was in the hospital. It wasn't anything too serious, at least not as far as I'm aware, but hospitals are no fun to be at, so we spent some time on Tuesday and Wednesday visiting with her, before she was discharged.
On Tuesday after our visit with grammie, Brian and I headed to a few more stores for swimsuits, but no luck. Tuesday night I found one at Forever 21's online store that looked perfect. It has sequins. They don't carry extra small swimwear, so I had to order a small. Fingers crossed that it fits.
The Old Town Carnival arrived on Thursday. Brian and I had been planning on going on Friday, but we started discussing the possibility of going on Thursday instead. I wasn't feeling too hot (my period tends to throw off my GI tract) and wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to give it a go, but I ended up not having to make the decision because my brother stopped by for a visit. Adam and I started talking about pancakes and Brian said that all this talk of pancakes made him want to make some. Adam said he'd eat some and I said I'd have a smaller one, since Brian and I had already had dinner about an hour prior.
After Adam finished his pancake, he asked for another. I was starting to get full, but Brian makes delicious pancakes, so I told him that if he made me a very small pancake, I'd eat it. This is what he came up with:
A few minutes later, Brian called me over to show me the even tinier pancakes he had made. Naturally I had to eat one of those as well.
Pancakes of various sizes.
One of Brian's teeny pancakes, pre-toppings. This one was about the size of a quarter.
Anyway, enough about pancakes. Friday rolls around and it's carnival day. Neither Brian nor I are really into carnivals, but sometimes it can be nice to step outside your comfort zone and try something new. However, some combination of the hot temperatures, overindulging in pancakes, and my usual GI tract maladies has left me feeling worse than I had on Thursday. Not awful, like I'm sure most people would be perfectly fine functioning under the level of sickness I was experiencing, but I'm a baby when it comes to stomach/GI tract issues. I didn't really want to go to the carnival anymore. I might not have gone at all, but I had mentioned my plan in this blog and I was going to have to report back to you all one way or the other, so I took the chance and went.
When I'm dealing with anxiety, I like to break whatever task I'm trying to accomplish into a series of smaller steps. That way it makes the task less intimidating and even if I can't get through the whole thing, I can tell myself that at least I achieved this step or that step. My goals for the carnival were first to get a bag of cotton candy and then to get a photo of me with said cotton candy near the carnival. That was what I had to do to consider the trip a success.
The first hurdle that came up was parking. Brian suggests parking at Rite Aid, which he estimates is about a five minute walk from the park where the carnival is being held. At that moment, five minutes seemed too long and I asked if we could try parking closer. We left pre-wristband time to try to beat the rush and we managed to snag a spot right in front of the carnival.
Brian and I stepped out of the car and immediately saw the cotton candy booth. We decided to walk around the carnival to see what there was before getting the food. The one ride I had wanted to do was bumper cars. I used to go to Santa's Village with my family when I was a kid and that was one of my favorite rides. However, as Brian and I approached, the thought of being shut into a ride and not being able to get out killed its appeal. There was also the factor of the cost. I did some quick mental math and realized that it would be more than $12 for Brian and me to do bumper cars once. That seemed rather excessive for what would be maybe a five minute ride. I'd like to believe that it was the cost that influenced me not to do it more than my anxiety, but I really can't say for sure.
Brian and I finished our walk around and, after getting yelled at by half a dozen carnival workers trying to convince us to play their games, we made it back to the cotton candy booth. We each got a bag of cotton candy, so step one accomplished. We wandered outside the carnival. Now I needed a picture with my food.
We had spent maybe a grand total of five minutes inside the carnival, so it seemed like a waste to just go home. Brian suggested walking around Old Town. I didn't want to travel too far from the car, but figured a short stroll might be nice. We were right beside the Penobscot River and I suggested walking over to get a closer look. We sat down at a bench for a cotton candy break and looked out at the river. The river level was really low, so when we finished our snacking, we were able to walk down onto a dried up portion of the riverbank.
Looking out at the river.
A view of the carnival from the riverbed.
Shells in the river.
Riverbed selfie.
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Picnics in the Park
Since my anxiety revolves around getting sick away from home, and since Brian and I have some free time this summer, I've decided to challenge myself to get out of the house once a week to do an activity with him. Last week we decided on a picnic in the park, which turned into multiple picnics in the park.
We live about five or so minutes away from Webster Park, a nice little place in downtown Orono beside the Penobscot River. It's an optimal place for picnicking and since we eat early, we usually get in and out before the park becomes crowded. Brian and I like to eat first and then stroll along the riverbank, investigating the local wildlife. We took a trip to the park back in May and I discovered that there were clams living in the river. For some reason, I was taken aback by that realization and now every time we go to the park, I try to find some clams or clam shells,
I wanted to have the picnic as early in the week as possible. Brian and I were planning on dinner with his family on Saturday and hosting my dad's Father's Day dinner on Sunday. By having the picnic early on, if my meal did not agree with me, I'd have plenty of time to recuperate before the weekend.
The weather was not as cooperative as I would have liked; it was rainy and cold Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday was supposed to be sunny and 73 degrees. It was bright out most of the day, but the moment Brian and I stepped outside to head off on our picnic, storm clouds swooped in, blotting out the sky. It looked like it could rain at any minute. We were talking about the possibility of rescheduling as we walked to the mailbox and Brian asked me if I wanted to. I said no, I wanted to try it now because I'd been excited all day for the picnic. That was true, but I was also worried that if I waited any longer, I wouldn't feel comfortable indulging in nachos or I'd mess up my GI tract so that the weekend would become a disaster. We drove down to Circle K, bought Subway, nachos, and a Polar Pop, and then headed to Webster, all without rain.
During the entire trip, the time when my anxiety was worst was as I was getting my nachos. I love nachos, but they're a heavy food and I get worried that I'll get sick if I eat them. I walked over to the nacho area and suddenly the building became ten degrees hotter. I stood there wavering, trying to weigh whether the nachos were worth the risk while simultaneously trying to stave off a panic attack. I didn't want to look like I was being shady, so I eventually grabbed one of the nacho containers. I spent a minute or so pretending to struggle with opening the package as I made my choice. I got my nachos.
It can be hard to explain anxiety in a way that makes it comprehensible to people who have never experienced it. Sometimes it sounds so trivial. I was worried for a few seconds about getting nachos? But even if it's just a few seconds, they can stretch out for eons. I got lucky this time around. I didn't panic. However, there have been times where I have been waiting in line at Joann or something equally simple seeming when I start feeling like I'm trapped and I have to leave at that instant or else. It's like someone has flipped somewhere inside me and all of a sudden my brain is flooded with the idea that I'm sick and I'm trapped while my GI tract and the rest of my body collude with my brain, making me feel icky.
Anyway, the park was empty when Brian and I arrived, so it didn't feel like I was eating in public, another thing I struggle with. We had our subs and a few nachos. My tummy was mostly fine. We got up and explored the park. I had not been able to get a picture of the teeny freshwater clams I had seen along the riverbank the last time we were there and wanted to find them again to get a picture of them. They were harder to locate than I expected, but I found them and got my picture.
The following day, Brian suggested that we take the remaining halves of our sandwiches over to the park. We stopped at Circle K and I got my Polar Pop. Brian offered to get me more nachos, but even though I'd been fine with them the previous day, I thought two days in a row might be pushing my luck. I thought about getting salt and vinegar or cheddar sour cream chips, but ended up getting Harvest Cheddar Sunchips instead because they seemed most likely to agree with me.
We went to Webster. There were people there, but they weren't near our table. We had our food and explored a little. It was good.
On Friday I wanted sandwiches for dinner, so Brian suggested yet another picnic. Since we packed our food this time, it was a quick trip over to the park. When we got there, I saw some people who looked familiar and realized it was probably my friend Rachel and her family. I hadn't been feeling anxious before, but that was when it kicked in. She hadn't seen us yet and Brian suggested we finish our sandwiches and then head down to say hi. I didn't like the thought of eating food and then talking to people, but my logical brain knew that I would be fine, so that's what we did. I thought about getting my SeaBands from the car before heading down (they're sort of like a security blanket for me) and brought the chips to the car so I could collect myself for a minute before heading to see them. It was rough walking down the hill to them, but once we all got talking, I was fine. After they left, Brian and I roamed around the park some more and I saw some large clams in the river. I didn't have a camera with me, so pics had to wait for another trip.
Today is Tuesday. Brian and I had another picnic in the park with home packed sandwiches. I ate a few more chips than I should have, to the point where I was slightly uncomfortable but not out and out sick. I'm trying to get more comfortable with being away from home when I'm feeling a little off and so far I've done all right with that. Brian and I strolled around and I managed to get a few pictures of bigger clam shells in the water, although the river was moving too rapidly for most of the shots to come out well.
This week Brian and I are planning on going to the Old Town Carnival for our activity. If all goes well with these little trips, I'm hoping to take a trip down to Portland to see my sister before the end of summer. Wish me luck!
Until next time,
Amber
We live about five or so minutes away from Webster Park, a nice little place in downtown Orono beside the Penobscot River. It's an optimal place for picnicking and since we eat early, we usually get in and out before the park becomes crowded. Brian and I like to eat first and then stroll along the riverbank, investigating the local wildlife. We took a trip to the park back in May and I discovered that there were clams living in the river. For some reason, I was taken aback by that realization and now every time we go to the park, I try to find some clams or clam shells,
I wanted to have the picnic as early in the week as possible. Brian and I were planning on dinner with his family on Saturday and hosting my dad's Father's Day dinner on Sunday. By having the picnic early on, if my meal did not agree with me, I'd have plenty of time to recuperate before the weekend.
The weather was not as cooperative as I would have liked; it was rainy and cold Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday was supposed to be sunny and 73 degrees. It was bright out most of the day, but the moment Brian and I stepped outside to head off on our picnic, storm clouds swooped in, blotting out the sky. It looked like it could rain at any minute. We were talking about the possibility of rescheduling as we walked to the mailbox and Brian asked me if I wanted to. I said no, I wanted to try it now because I'd been excited all day for the picnic. That was true, but I was also worried that if I waited any longer, I wouldn't feel comfortable indulging in nachos or I'd mess up my GI tract so that the weekend would become a disaster. We drove down to Circle K, bought Subway, nachos, and a Polar Pop, and then headed to Webster, all without rain.
During the entire trip, the time when my anxiety was worst was as I was getting my nachos. I love nachos, but they're a heavy food and I get worried that I'll get sick if I eat them. I walked over to the nacho area and suddenly the building became ten degrees hotter. I stood there wavering, trying to weigh whether the nachos were worth the risk while simultaneously trying to stave off a panic attack. I didn't want to look like I was being shady, so I eventually grabbed one of the nacho containers. I spent a minute or so pretending to struggle with opening the package as I made my choice. I got my nachos.
It can be hard to explain anxiety in a way that makes it comprehensible to people who have never experienced it. Sometimes it sounds so trivial. I was worried for a few seconds about getting nachos? But even if it's just a few seconds, they can stretch out for eons. I got lucky this time around. I didn't panic. However, there have been times where I have been waiting in line at Joann or something equally simple seeming when I start feeling like I'm trapped and I have to leave at that instant or else. It's like someone has flipped somewhere inside me and all of a sudden my brain is flooded with the idea that I'm sick and I'm trapped while my GI tract and the rest of my body collude with my brain, making me feel icky.
Anyway, the park was empty when Brian and I arrived, so it didn't feel like I was eating in public, another thing I struggle with. We had our subs and a few nachos. My tummy was mostly fine. We got up and explored the park. I had not been able to get a picture of the teeny freshwater clams I had seen along the riverbank the last time we were there and wanted to find them again to get a picture of them. They were harder to locate than I expected, but I found them and got my picture.
Me with my nachos.
A large clam shell I spotted on the riverbank
Brian looking handsome <3.
Little clam shell.
The following day, Brian suggested that we take the remaining halves of our sandwiches over to the park. We stopped at Circle K and I got my Polar Pop. Brian offered to get me more nachos, but even though I'd been fine with them the previous day, I thought two days in a row might be pushing my luck. I thought about getting salt and vinegar or cheddar sour cream chips, but ended up getting Harvest Cheddar Sunchips instead because they seemed most likely to agree with me.
We went to Webster. There were people there, but they weren't near our table. We had our food and explored a little. It was good.
Me trying to give Brian bunny ears.
On Friday I wanted sandwiches for dinner, so Brian suggested yet another picnic. Since we packed our food this time, it was a quick trip over to the park. When we got there, I saw some people who looked familiar and realized it was probably my friend Rachel and her family. I hadn't been feeling anxious before, but that was when it kicked in. She hadn't seen us yet and Brian suggested we finish our sandwiches and then head down to say hi. I didn't like the thought of eating food and then talking to people, but my logical brain knew that I would be fine, so that's what we did. I thought about getting my SeaBands from the car before heading down (they're sort of like a security blanket for me) and brought the chips to the car so I could collect myself for a minute before heading to see them. It was rough walking down the hill to them, but once we all got talking, I was fine. After they left, Brian and I roamed around the park some more and I saw some large clams in the river. I didn't have a camera with me, so pics had to wait for another trip.
Today is Tuesday. Brian and I had another picnic in the park with home packed sandwiches. I ate a few more chips than I should have, to the point where I was slightly uncomfortable but not out and out sick. I'm trying to get more comfortable with being away from home when I'm feeling a little off and so far I've done all right with that. Brian and I strolled around and I managed to get a few pictures of bigger clam shells in the water, although the river was moving too rapidly for most of the shots to come out well.
Me and my meal. Tofurky Hickory Smoked Deli Slices make for an excellent sandwich.
This time I succeeded at giving Brian bunny ears!
Part of a big clam shell. This was the best picture I got of one. The others were all deeper in the water and the surface ripples made it hard to get a good shot. I've found that taking pictures helps ease my anxiety because it gives me something else to worry about. If I'm laser focused on getting a picture of my clam shells, it's hard to feel anxious :).
This week Brian and I are planning on going to the Old Town Carnival for our activity. If all goes well with these little trips, I'm hoping to take a trip down to Portland to see my sister before the end of summer. Wish me luck!
Until next time,
Amber
Friday, June 17, 2016
Introduction: Why Am I Doing This?
Hi, I'm Amber. I'm a Physics PhD student with an MA in Mathematics, horror writer, crafter, campus activist, and amateur genealogist from the great state of Maine. Also, I have anxiety.
I have been dealing with anxiety on and off for at least a couple of years. I first realized I was coping with it during the summer of 2014 when I had to get my wisdom teeth removed. One of my impacted teeth had developed an infection and my dentist prescribed me antibiotics, which made me feel a little sick to my stomach. Something about having to go to the appointments with my oral surgeon while not feeling well activated my anxiety like never before. I would sit there in the waiting room sweating buckets, my heart hammering away a mile a minute as my stomach churned like a washing machine, wanting to flee to the safety of the car and feeling trapped and helpless because I couldn't. These appointments cost money. I could not back out, not now. I made it through the oral surgery, but in the wake of that I began feeling terrible any time I left the house.
The Fourth of July came and I tried to back out of my family's annual gathering while my partner Brian and I were en route. We could not get cell reception to call them and let them know that we wouldn't be there, so we ended up finishing out the trip. We chatted with my family members, but Brian and I were there for no more than twenty minutes before I decided that I had to go. I started feeling better on the trip home and hated myself for leaving because it's not every day that most of my family comes together like that.
I also rode along with my partner to several of his family gatherings, only to decide as we neared his mom's or grandma's house that I could not do it. He had to go in and tell his family that I wasn't feeling well, drive me home, and then head back to the event himself. I felt like an awful person for missing out on seeing his family and even worse for taking away from the time he could spend with them.
During the weeks surrounding the wisdom tooth debacle, I had no idea why I was sick all the time. I realized that I was dealing with anxiety and not just stomach malaise on the way to Joann one day. We were stopping there before visiting with Brian's family and as we got close to the store I started feeling sick. I realized then that my sickness correlated with my arrival at wherever I needed to be and that was when it clicked for me. Realizing this didn't immediately make things better for me, but at least I understood then what was going on with me and it gave me the ability to start developing strategies to fight it. I had already figured out that listening to books on tape helped me because they distracted me from feeling sick; now I knew that distractions could actually alleviate my sickness.
Dealing with anxiety is kind of like being Sisyphus pushing that boulder. I'll be chugging along, thinking I'm finally making progress, when BOOM! anxiety strikes like a bolt of lighting and I'm back to struggling to get through routine activities. My anxiety thrives off of the idea of being sick when I'm away from home and not being able to get back home. Sometimes, if I'm feeling good, I can make local trips and think nothing of it. However, I have mild gastrointestinal issues that crop up periodically, so it does not take long for me to go from feeling fine to feeling sick. Then anxiety is on me in a flash and I'm struggling to do basic things like go to class.
It takes me ten minutes to walk to the physics building from home. It isn't a long distance, but when my anxiety is on high alert, much shorter distances can stretch out for miles upon miles. There were times this past semester where I had to have Brian drive me to my class and promise to wait five minutes before leaving the parking lot so that if I needed to get out fast and get home I could. Lecture is usually enough to keep me distracted, at least somewhat, but those moments between when I arrived and when class began were torturous.
Holiday gatherings can be a disaster because of the amount of travel time. This Easter I was in tears, begging to turn around even though I knew it was going to be the last year of my family's Easter egg hunt, one of my favorite traditions. Somehow we got through and I had fun, but it was hard.
I've accepted a teaching assistanceship for this upcoming fall and the thought petrifies me because I know it's going to be a million times worse (I haven't been formally employed since I earned my Masters in May of 2014). As a student, I can miss a class and it's not the end of the world, but if I'm teaching, I can only cancel class or find a replacement instructor so many times. My dream is to become a full time writer so that I can work from the comfort of home and not have to confront this issue every. damn. day.
Anyway, for the past couple of years I've told no one aside from Brian about what I'm going through. Earlier this summer I reached the tipping point. My social media presence was all happiness and smiles (with some political rants mixed in for good measure) and no one could see how awful I was really feeling. I either had to quit social media, or be honest about what was going on with me, and I chose the latter. After one frustrating tussle with anxiety, I wrote the following Facebook post about my struggles:
I want to tell you about two different days, today and yesterday. Yesterday was a good day. Brian and I headed to Bangor to visit his mom and grandma and went to a couple of stores. I felt fine and was only anxious for a moment here or there. He and I took a stroll through the gardens. The smile in this picture here [see below] is of course posed, but I was happy. Then today anxiety hit me like an eighteen wheeler. Brian and I were going 10 minutes down the road to pick up my mom. Maybe I would have been okay if it wasn't for all that plant matter that had fallen onto the car that Brian had to brush off. As I was sitting alone in the car, waiting for him to finish, I started thinking, "What if the car breaks down? What if it breaks down and I get sick and there's no way to get back home immediately?" Soon I started feeling sick and by the time we were about halfway through the drive, it was getting pretty intense. I was feeling hot and sweaty and my stomach wasn't doing well at all. I decided then that it wasn't worth it and asked Brian to turn the car around. Immediately I started feeling better. It would have been 10 extra minutes, 5 more down to pick up my mom and then 5 more added onto the trip back home, but today that was too much. Anxiety had plagued me for the last half of the semester, making each morning a fight against myself to get to class, but I managed perfect attendance. I made it to two of my friends' thesis defenses as well as to the graduation parties. I hadn't been able to sign up for any tabling throughout the semester because the thought of being stuck at a table and not able to go home was too much, but that was a minor issue. But suddenly this little trip overwhelmed me. I could have done it. I could have pushed through the sickness and it would have sucked and maybe I wouldn't have had the appetite for lunch. Today being able to eat Brian's fresh bread and to feel well for mom's visit mattered more than beating my anxiety. I don't know if there's a point to what I'm saying other than anxiety sucks and some days out of the blue it hits me full force and the energy it takes to cope with it is overwhelming and I just can't.
It was really cathartic for me to write this post and the outpouring of support I received from my friends and family was incredible and meant the world to me. I felt like I was finally able to show my true self and it was wonderful knowing that people still accepted me and cared about me. But Facebook isn't always the best forum for talking about anxiety. I can't caption every smiling photo of me with info about how terrible I was feeling because that would get really depressing, but I need a space where I can talk about my struggles. That is where this blog comes in. It's a place for me to let it all out, what I'm thinking, what I'm going through. Ideally, I'd get better and not need a space to talk about my issues, but I know the odds are that won't happen, at least not completely, so until then I'll be here.
I know this was a long post and that it's not a nice, linear narrative. I promise they won't always be like this. Thank you for sticking with me, for taking the time to listen to my struggles. If you are struggling too and need someone to talk to, write me in the comments or message me at hathaway.amber@gmail.com. I have no training in counseling or psychology, so I can't help with that side of things, but if you need to vent I'm here.
Take care everyone! Until next time,
Amber
I have been dealing with anxiety on and off for at least a couple of years. I first realized I was coping with it during the summer of 2014 when I had to get my wisdom teeth removed. One of my impacted teeth had developed an infection and my dentist prescribed me antibiotics, which made me feel a little sick to my stomach. Something about having to go to the appointments with my oral surgeon while not feeling well activated my anxiety like never before. I would sit there in the waiting room sweating buckets, my heart hammering away a mile a minute as my stomach churned like a washing machine, wanting to flee to the safety of the car and feeling trapped and helpless because I couldn't. These appointments cost money. I could not back out, not now. I made it through the oral surgery, but in the wake of that I began feeling terrible any time I left the house.
The Fourth of July came and I tried to back out of my family's annual gathering while my partner Brian and I were en route. We could not get cell reception to call them and let them know that we wouldn't be there, so we ended up finishing out the trip. We chatted with my family members, but Brian and I were there for no more than twenty minutes before I decided that I had to go. I started feeling better on the trip home and hated myself for leaving because it's not every day that most of my family comes together like that.
I also rode along with my partner to several of his family gatherings, only to decide as we neared his mom's or grandma's house that I could not do it. He had to go in and tell his family that I wasn't feeling well, drive me home, and then head back to the event himself. I felt like an awful person for missing out on seeing his family and even worse for taking away from the time he could spend with them.
During the weeks surrounding the wisdom tooth debacle, I had no idea why I was sick all the time. I realized that I was dealing with anxiety and not just stomach malaise on the way to Joann one day. We were stopping there before visiting with Brian's family and as we got close to the store I started feeling sick. I realized then that my sickness correlated with my arrival at wherever I needed to be and that was when it clicked for me. Realizing this didn't immediately make things better for me, but at least I understood then what was going on with me and it gave me the ability to start developing strategies to fight it. I had already figured out that listening to books on tape helped me because they distracted me from feeling sick; now I knew that distractions could actually alleviate my sickness.
Dealing with anxiety is kind of like being Sisyphus pushing that boulder. I'll be chugging along, thinking I'm finally making progress, when BOOM! anxiety strikes like a bolt of lighting and I'm back to struggling to get through routine activities. My anxiety thrives off of the idea of being sick when I'm away from home and not being able to get back home. Sometimes, if I'm feeling good, I can make local trips and think nothing of it. However, I have mild gastrointestinal issues that crop up periodically, so it does not take long for me to go from feeling fine to feeling sick. Then anxiety is on me in a flash and I'm struggling to do basic things like go to class.
It takes me ten minutes to walk to the physics building from home. It isn't a long distance, but when my anxiety is on high alert, much shorter distances can stretch out for miles upon miles. There were times this past semester where I had to have Brian drive me to my class and promise to wait five minutes before leaving the parking lot so that if I needed to get out fast and get home I could. Lecture is usually enough to keep me distracted, at least somewhat, but those moments between when I arrived and when class began were torturous.
Holiday gatherings can be a disaster because of the amount of travel time. This Easter I was in tears, begging to turn around even though I knew it was going to be the last year of my family's Easter egg hunt, one of my favorite traditions. Somehow we got through and I had fun, but it was hard.
I've accepted a teaching assistanceship for this upcoming fall and the thought petrifies me because I know it's going to be a million times worse (I haven't been formally employed since I earned my Masters in May of 2014). As a student, I can miss a class and it's not the end of the world, but if I'm teaching, I can only cancel class or find a replacement instructor so many times. My dream is to become a full time writer so that I can work from the comfort of home and not have to confront this issue every. damn. day.
Anyway, for the past couple of years I've told no one aside from Brian about what I'm going through. Earlier this summer I reached the tipping point. My social media presence was all happiness and smiles (with some political rants mixed in for good measure) and no one could see how awful I was really feeling. I either had to quit social media, or be honest about what was going on with me, and I chose the latter. After one frustrating tussle with anxiety, I wrote the following Facebook post about my struggles:
I want to tell you about two different days, today and yesterday. Yesterday was a good day. Brian and I headed to Bangor to visit his mom and grandma and went to a couple of stores. I felt fine and was only anxious for a moment here or there. He and I took a stroll through the gardens. The smile in this picture here [see below] is of course posed, but I was happy. Then today anxiety hit me like an eighteen wheeler. Brian and I were going 10 minutes down the road to pick up my mom. Maybe I would have been okay if it wasn't for all that plant matter that had fallen onto the car that Brian had to brush off. As I was sitting alone in the car, waiting for him to finish, I started thinking, "What if the car breaks down? What if it breaks down and I get sick and there's no way to get back home immediately?" Soon I started feeling sick and by the time we were about halfway through the drive, it was getting pretty intense. I was feeling hot and sweaty and my stomach wasn't doing well at all. I decided then that it wasn't worth it and asked Brian to turn the car around. Immediately I started feeling better. It would have been 10 extra minutes, 5 more down to pick up my mom and then 5 more added onto the trip back home, but today that was too much. Anxiety had plagued me for the last half of the semester, making each morning a fight against myself to get to class, but I managed perfect attendance. I made it to two of my friends' thesis defenses as well as to the graduation parties. I hadn't been able to sign up for any tabling throughout the semester because the thought of being stuck at a table and not able to go home was too much, but that was a minor issue. But suddenly this little trip overwhelmed me. I could have done it. I could have pushed through the sickness and it would have sucked and maybe I wouldn't have had the appetite for lunch. Today being able to eat Brian's fresh bread and to feel well for mom's visit mattered more than beating my anxiety. I don't know if there's a point to what I'm saying other than anxiety sucks and some days out of the blue it hits me full force and the energy it takes to cope with it is overwhelming and I just can't.
It was really cathartic for me to write this post and the outpouring of support I received from my friends and family was incredible and meant the world to me. I felt like I was finally able to show my true self and it was wonderful knowing that people still accepted me and cared about me. But Facebook isn't always the best forum for talking about anxiety. I can't caption every smiling photo of me with info about how terrible I was feeling because that would get really depressing, but I need a space where I can talk about my struggles. That is where this blog comes in. It's a place for me to let it all out, what I'm thinking, what I'm going through. Ideally, I'd get better and not need a space to talk about my issues, but I know the odds are that won't happen, at least not completely, so until then I'll be here.
I know this was a long post and that it's not a nice, linear narrative. I promise they won't always be like this. Thank you for sticking with me, for taking the time to listen to my struggles. If you are struggling too and need someone to talk to, write me in the comments or message me at hathaway.amber@gmail.com. I have no training in counseling or psychology, so I can't help with that side of things, but if you need to vent I'm here.
Take care everyone! Until next time,
Amber
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